After a four hour delay, we flew out of Lansing and said good bye to Michigan!

We arrived in Orlando and drove to our house by Cinnamon Beach.  By the time we got in bed, it was 2:30 a.m.

The next morning we woke up to the sun.  We ventured to the beach find sea shells.  Samantha and I were walking the beach together when, right in front of me, was a star fish!  It was beautiful.  It was missing a small section of its leg, but I didn’t care.  I took it back with me. 

The next day we went to an alligator Farm in St. Augustine.  For five bucks we could hold a baby alligator.  Later that week, the kids ate Fried Gator Tail.  After her first bite, Brooke exclaimed “It tastes like chicken!”

Every morning Beez and Papa (my parents) cooked breakfast.  It was always Orange Juice and Turkey Bacon.

We had a lot of time at the pool and the beach.  Nice jump Samantha!

We spent a cloudy day in Daytona Beach.  I drove on the beach!  It was so cool.  Another one I can check off my bucket list.

We went to Marine Land and we let Brooklyn pet and feed a dolphin. 

Brooklyn’s in the white shirt holding the dolphin’s tale. 

The dolphin jumping out of the water is the dolphin she just got done feeding.  Unfortunately, Brooklyn had her back turned at that very moment and missed the whole thing. 

On Friday, the day before we were leaving, Papa and Max went to the beach to find shells.  My dad found a starfish.  Only his was complete!  It looked just like mine, but it wasn’t missing part of its leg.  Later that morning, Brooklyn and I were sitting on the front porch going through the shells and deciding which ones to give back to the ocean and which ones to take home.  She said to me, “are you sad that Papa’s star fish is better than yours?”  I said “Why?  Because my star fish is missing part of its leg?”  She said “yeah.”  I said “No.  That’s my star fish.  My body isn’t complete anymore either and I think God put that starfish right in front of me because it’s meant to be mine.  Papa’s star fish is complete because Papa isn’t missing anything.  That’s Papa’s starfish.  Papa is complete.”  That seemed to be okay with her. 

Then Saturday came and it was time to kick the tires and light the fires.  We were going wheels up!  

Soon we’ll be off on our next great adventure.  Thank you for your prayers.  I could feel them during this trip.  I had renewed energy.  I was able to keep up with my busy kids and have a lot of fun with Dusty and my parents.

First it was Thanksgiving.  The kids were going to have a Thanksgiving camp-out in the basement.  It never happened.  They got scared and slept in their own beds.  Oh well.  Maybe next year..

We made cinnamon ornaments with my mom.  They smell SO good!

We celebrated Dale Ver Beek’s (my father-in-law) birthday.  Happy Birthday again Dad!

This picture is from Christmas, but it’s the most recent one I have of him.  Besides, he’s holding a really cute kid.

The kids saw Santa.  Yep, his beard is real.

We had a lot of nice Christmas parties with our extended families and our own family.

Overall, we had a good Christmas and New Year.  I’m so happy I was able to do it off chemo. 

About a month ago, we booked a trip to Florida.  So we’ll take off for that soon.  We can’t wait!  The kids can’t wait and Brooklyn is counting down the days.  I look forward to the warm air, warm sun and the salt water ocean breeze.  We were planning on going to Disney for a day while we were there too. 

For those of you who know me.  I’m a kind of a control freak.  I’m a planner.  I like to have my ducks in a row.  I like to know what to expect. 

When I realized our plane doesn’t assign seats.  I bought them.  I bought row 6.  Why row 6 you ask?  Because I don’t want my family in the back of the plane.  Why?  Because they board back to front.  I would prefer our three-year-old twins to board last.  The less time they spend sitting on the plane while it’s not moving, the better.  The quicker they can get off the plane, the better.  Was it worth $80.00 round trip?  I don’t know.  We’ll have to wait and see. 

So for Disney, we weren’t going to buy tickets at the gate.  Oh no, I was going to buy the tickets on line so I can have them in my hand when we get to the gate.  But each time I went to click on the “check out” button something interrupted me from buying the tickets.  My phone rang, one of my children started crying, there was a knock at the door or I wanted to ask Dusty if he wanted me to book a meal plan with them. 

As you can see, I have a bit of a control/planner problem.

I have everything prepurchased, planned and we are starting to pack.  Except we don’t have Disney tickets.

Here’s where God comes in.

Around the same time we were planning a trip to Florida, we also filled out an application to Inheritance of Hope.  www.inheritanceofhope.org.  We sent it in and forgot about it. 

On Christmas Eve, I got a message from Jill at I.O.H.  When we connected again, she told me our family was chosen for their next retreat….drum roll please….to…….. Disney World in February!  I was shocked.  Completely speechless.  Mouth gaping open.  Never in a million years did I think we would have been chosen so soon.  Still sitting there with my jaw on the floor, she went on to say it’s all expenses paid, airfare included with four day Disney park hopper passes for everyone in our family.  Then she said to talk to my husband about it and let her know.  I picked my jaw up off the floor and said I would call her back in the morning. 

Dusty and I talked about it.  We decided that it’s doable with his vacation time.  Herman Miller has been wonderful to us.  They’re a great company.  The timing works well with my next scheduled appointments at U of M and it’s a long weekend so Brooklyn won’t miss a lot of school.  Then with me being a woman and needing extra support, I called Jill and my mom who both, without hesitation, said “GO!  Do it!”.  So….We’re going.  We’re doing it. 

Now here we are.  I’m packing the family to leave on what I thought would be our last great family trip.  I could lay eyes on the ocean at least one more time.  Pick up shells with the kids.  Watch the sunrise.  Who knows.  But God had something up his big giant sleeve.  A second trip to Disney!  Back-to-back Florida trips!  We are blessed.   

I think God made my phone ring.  He had someone come to the door.  And yes, had one of my kids cry.  It was His way of saying “slow down My little control freak, planner girl.  I have something better for you and your family.”  

Maybe you think that sounds a little crazy.  That God doesn’t work through Disney.  Even I think that sounds a little silly.  I know He worked through Inheritance of Hope.  Being able to do two Florida trips with my family before the next round of chemo is amazing.  I think that has God written all over it. 

P.S.  It’s my birthday on Saturday.  Happy Birthday to me.  Hello 35.

The spots in my lungs shrunk slightly and the spot in my brain didn’t shrink at all.  With those findings and the side effects I was having from the chemo, Dr. Schott, Dusty and I decided to stop the clinical trial.  She said to take the holidays and January off from treatment.  Two months of freedom!  I will have scans again at the end of January and we will decide then what chemo to do next.

I am so thankful to spend the holidays out of a chemo haze and feeling better than what I did the past nine weeks.  

We’re going to try and squeeze in a family trip too.  It makes sense to do that now while I’m not on chemo and feeling as good as possible.

Thank you for your prayers, cards and continued support.  We love all of you and couldn’t do it without you.   

I know God hears these prayers.  Yet He is choosing not to answer them.  That hurts.  It’s confusing.  It’s personal.  I know He loves me and He can heal me, but He won’t. He’s choosing to let the cancer win. 

I was tired of begging for healing.  So I took a new approach.  Complete submission.  His will is perfect.  If His will is for me to have cancer, so be it.  I don’t understand it.  I don’t think I have to.  What I do understand is that He loves me.  He loves my family.  He will take care of my family.  His will is perfect.   So that is where I rest.  I’ve had so much peace since that epiphany.  No more wrestling with Him.  Simply submitting to His will.  He is in control.  

Yesterday I met with my doctor at U of M before chemo.  It was a wake up call.  Apparently I was living in an alternate universe where I thought I could still beat cancer.  I thought with the right concoction of drugs we could kill every last cancer cell and I would get my life back.  That is not the case.  There is nothing, short of a miracle, that will get rid of my cancer.  My disease is too progressed.  They’re giving me chemo to give me a longer life.  The Clinical Trial I’m on will not cure my cancer.  Nothing will.  We’re biding time.  They want to keep me alive and comfortable.   

I was told I am going to die from metastatic breast cancer.  That I should do things that I’ve wanted to do.  I’m only going to get worse.  That I should talk to my kids if I haven’t already.  No time limit was given.  All of that was hard to hear, especially before getting poisoned.   

It’s so unfair to Dusty and my kids.  That’s the worst part of all.  They have to suffer because of this disease. Thank you for your prayers. 

Please don’t stop praying.  Please be bold and ask for a miracle.  Please pray for my family and friends.  Prayer Requests:

• My Family

• Peace

• A Miracle

• A Cure
  

Last night Brooklyn came home from church.  I was laying on the couch and she came over to give me a hug and kiss good night.  She said “I just really want your cancer to go away.”  I said “Thanks hon.  I do too.”  She said “I want your hair to keep growing.  You know, like it used to be?”  I said “I do too.  That’s what I’m shooting for.”  She said “Remember when you were normal and we used to run around and kick the soccer ball?  I just want your cancer to go away so you can be a normal mom…no offense.”  As she darted down the steps to her room I said “none taken.”  Those were the days.  God willing I’ll have them again.

The birthday party was fantastic.  The twins are three.  They had their 3-year check up on Monday and they healthy little buggers. 

You can do it Max!  Blow!

Samantha in her tutu

The kids and their presents

I’d like to say THANK YOU for all the freezer meals.  They are being used faster than what I thought.  They’ve been such a blessing.  Dusty has his hands full with the kids so it’s one less thing for him to do.  We’re fine with them eating mac and cheese or spaghettios, but not at every meal.  So this gives both of us peace of mind that they’re getting a good meal too.  God bless you.

On a brighter note, it’s birthday season in our household.  Believe it or not, but Max and Samantha turn three on Saturday.  It’s been so fun watching them grow.  Kind of sad because I feel like I’ve been doing it from the sidelines, but blessed that I’ve been here nonetheless.  Max loves wearing his Detroit Tigers hat and his sunglasses.  He loves riding the tractor with Papa Mel and going to “Donald’s” (McDonalds) for nuggets and “hot fries” with Papa Dale.  Samantha calls everyone in the family “honey pie” and jumps all around.  She loves watching Mickey Mouse and it’s what she asks for from sun up to sun down.  She also follows her big sister wherever she goes.

My dad and Jill both have their birthdays next week Tuesday, October 18.  I will not divulge their ages, but if you see them, give them a big hug and wish them happy birthday.

Brooklyn turns eight on Sunday, October 23!  Can you believe that?!  EIGHT!  I look at her little life and realize she’s been through so much.  The past three years haven’t been easy or normal for her.  Whatever normal is.  I remember when Max and Samantha were born she was nine days away from turning five.  She was so confused as to where her sister was and why she couldn’t see her.  She would come to the hospital and hold Max and then wonder about Samantha.  Nine days later, on Brooklyn’s 5th birthday - October 23, 2008, the doctors at DeVos released Samantha from the hospital.  Brooklyn still talks about that being the best birthday present.

So in a nutshell, life is tiring and busy right now.  I am greatly blessed by having the husband, kids, family and friends that I do.  I couldn’t do this without them.

My dear, sweet, loving, ever-by-my-side husband celebrated his 37th birthday.  On Saturday, the day before his birthday, we enjoyed a Tiger’s game in Detroit with Dale and Jana (Dusty’s dad and sister).  It was sweltering in the stadium, but thanks to Jana who froze water bottles, all was well.   We hadn’t been to the new stadium before and I was so impressed.  I had been to the old stadium as a kid and this one is so much better.  Oh and the guy I sat next to in the stadium is from Zeeland and delivered mail over 40 years!?  Not only that, but he used to play ball with Dusty’s dad.  Small world.

This picture was taken with my cell phone.

Don’t you love the look on the kids faces.  I read their faces as saying  ”Mom!  Take the picture already! Did you see this cake?”

September 24

Race For the Cure!  Thank you to everyone who participated on my team, but also to those who participated on someone else’s team.  Thank you Jen Dykens and Jill Graves for organizing the team again this year.  

Brooklyn walked the whole 5k!  Go Brooklyn!

September 27

First Day of Chemo at U of M.  Jill was my chemo buddy the first time around and she demanded to be my Tuesday chemo buddy this time too.  She really did demand it.  I told her I could drive myself to U of M, but she wasn’t having it.  Good thing too…more about that later.

Instead of showing up in comfy lounge pants and a T-shirt like a normal person I wanted to look good.  Why not right?  So I did my hair, put on make up and wore earrings.  

We are ready to go!

Here are a few sights we see on the way to U of M.  I’d like to thank Jill for her photo taking ability and please keep in mind that I was going around 75 to 80 mph when these pictures were taken.

Here is the gas station and restaurant in Fowlerville that made me think of the word gastaurant:

Now this always makes me laugh.  If you look close it says DADS INN.  Not DAYS INN.  It used to be a Days Inn, but some poor person bought it.  I’m guessing they didn’t want to buy into the franchise and couldn’t afford a whole new sign so they bought one new letter.  You can still see where the “Y” once was and at night the new D shines orange instead of yellow, but so what, right?  It’s funny and it makes me laugh.

We finally arrive at U of M.

Jill’s most favorite thing at U of M isn’t the grandness of their campus.  Not all the learnin’ that’s going on inside those buildings.  Not the cool artwork displayed in their corridors.  Not even the cafeteria food.  Jill’s most favorite things are the buses.

So we go inside and after a while they start my chemo.  Here I am getting my first infusion at U of M.

We watched a movie while I was getting my drip.  My thumbs were up because I was feeling good.  The last hour of chemo didn’t go as well as hoped.  I started feeling very nauseous and wound up vomiting and being sent home with a puke bucket and some ginger ale.  Oh well…such is life with chemo.

Today I feel very tired and for everything else I have a prescription.  I can tell it’s going to be a long road ahead.  Going to U of M twice a week isn’t going to be easy, especially not feeling well.  It is what it is.

Thank you for the prayers and support you give our family.  We are blessed by you.

Speaking of food.  If you have time and want to read my silly little story read on.  If you’re in a hurry, you can close this now. 

On our trip to U of M last Thursday I was convinced I came up with a new word all by my big bad self.  There is a gas station in Fowlerville with a restaurant attached to it.  It always catches my eye because it has a blue roof and has a Germanesque feel to the building.  So I thought to myself…there should be a name for gas stations that have restaurants attached to them.  Eureka!  Gastaurant!

So in my moment of brilliant glee I blurt out GASTAURANT to Dusty.  He says..”huh?  What?  What are you talking about?”  He has that intense look on his face.  He likes to pretend he’s a race car driver and tends to get road rage with people who go below the speed limit and ride in the left lane.  I say “gas station + restaurant = gastaurant!  I made up a new word!”  A few miles later, after I wouldn’t stop talking about how awesome I am, he had the audacity to challenge my amazing mind and said “google it”.  How dare he?!   

“Google it?” I say.  So I did.  Did you know Gastaurant is in the encyclopedia?  Neither did I.  Here’s the definition:

Gastaurant
`Gastaurant`, a portmanteau of gas station and restaurant, refers to a class of fueling stations which also incorporate a franchise-based restaurant (such as McDonald`s or Taco Bell) in the same facility.  

Who knew?  Not me. 

That left either a clinical trial or a standard method of treatment.  She explained the pros and cons of both and the three of us decided to go for the clinical trial.  There are only 40 people in the United States that will do this trial.  U of M has five spaces and one of them has already been used (successfully!).  I will be their second guinea pig. 

I suppose I should feel fortunate that I qualify for a clinical trial.  That it could prove successful in treating cancer and someday be passed by the FDA and given to patients.  At the same time, it shows just how bad my cancer is.  Depressing.

The clinical trial is a parp inhibitor with chemo given through an IV.  The catch to all of this, is that within the next ten days I need to get an MRA (yes A, not I) of my brain, more lab work and a power port put back in.  I’m getting a Power Port put back in next week Thursday - Thank you Dr. Hoberman!  I can check that off the list.  I’m on the “urgent board” at U of M for the MRA.  I will need to leave at a moments notice when they call.  My first treatment/infusion is scheduled for September 27.  Yikes.   

This treatment plan will be a grueling as far as time is concerned.  We don’t know how it’s going to affect me physically yet.  The treatment HAS to take place at U of M in Ann Arbor.  It cannot be done at Metro Health who is affiliated with U of M.  Bummer.  

I will go to U of M twice a week for two weeks then get one week off and start all over again (21 day cycle).  It’s a lot of back and forth.  It will be like losing two days each week between all the traveling and getting the infusions.  This will go on as long as I’m responding to treatment (6 months +) or until I call it quits.  Dusty is going to have his hands full!  So please say a lot of prayers for him.   

Now I need to ask for help.  If you know me, you know I don’t like to ask for help and I don’t like to accept it.  So here it goes.  If anyone is willing to bring a freezer meal, it would be greatly appreciated.  We have a deep freezer in the basement which we emptied when we moved.  It’s still 95% empty.  I will happily accept meals until it’s full.  If you can bring us a meal, please send me an email to let me know when you can drop it off:  lindyvb@hotmail.com.  We eat anything.  Just not deer or buffalo or horse or frogs, snake or anything crazy.  Just normal stuff.  That would be a tremendous help.  Did I mention we’re Vegans?  Just kidding.

Keep Holding On…   

Happy Birthday Kathy Timmer!

If you see Kathy, today is her birthday and she deserves the best birthday in the whole wide world.  So if you see her, give her a hug, a high five, a card or a 50 dollar bill (I will not reimburse you) because she is awesome.  She has cared for my babies since they were born and doesn’t want to stop.  She is the most selfless, giving, kind, caring, compassionate person.  If you don’t know her, you should because you’ll be a better person for it.  We love you Kathy.

____________________________________________________________________________________

ANGRY-

Let me remind you that cancer sucks.  Say it with me…CANCER SUCKS!  Say it with force, anger and vengeance.  It’s okay kids, I think you’re parents will let you say “sucks” when you put cancer in front of that word. 

I went to U of M yesterday.  I am going back tomorrow to meet with Dr. Schott, but I called this morning to find out the results of the tests.  Here we go…

LUNGS:

Previously I had three spots on my lungs.  They noted “multiple” spots on yesterday’s scan.  They have measurements for six of them.  The nurse practitioner isn’t sure if “multiple” means six or if it means more.  I guess we’ll know more tomorrow.

BRAIN:

A new spot has been found on my brain in my right cerebellar region. 

So in a nutshell, I have more cancer.  This means that I have more options they want me to consider for treatment.  One of them is still the chemo pill and the other two are clinical trials (chemo) through an IV. 

Please pray for:

• Guidance for what treatment to go with

• Clarity

• My Family 

To read Time Magazine’s article about Scanxiety click below.  It’s a good read.  http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2075133_2075127_2075107,00.html

Moving on…

Brooklyn began second grade with Mrs. Cousins on Tuesday and while this wasn’t her first crack at school, it was her first time on the bus.  Oh my oh my, I think I said 50 prayers that day.  Please let someone allow her sit with them…Please don’t let anyone be mean to her…Please let her get off the bus at the right spot…Please let her find the right bus after school…Please let her get off the bus when it gets back to the point where she got on, etc.

I think I earned the gold medal for most worried and spazed out mom about the bus.  In my defense, not only could I see the school from where we lived last year, I could see her classroom window from our living room.  I know it’s time to loosen the apron strings, but I’m not cutting them yet.

She got off the bus that day smiling from ear to ear.  She loves the bus, her teacher and all her friends.  Thank God for small blessings.  Thank God for Alex Boeve who made room for Brooklyn in his seat that morning.  Thank you Alex!  I could hug you.  I won’t because I know it might embarass you.

We had a retirement Open House for my dad last night.  He worked with Genzink Plumbing for 44 years.  For those of you dying to know, he owns around 960 hats.  I can’t remember the exact number he gave me, but it’s around there.

I will let you know what we find out on Thursday with regards to my scans.

Jill and Jen have organized a For The Love of Lindy team to support Race for the Cure. This is our third year and I hope you can make it. We had a great team last year. Thank you for signing up in the years past and I hope you’ll do it again. It’s a lot of fun.

Click on the following link to sign up:

http://westmichigan.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/GRR_WestMichiganAffiliate?pg=team&fr_id=2147&team_id=177464

On our anniversary, we went Ziplining down the mountain.  It was 10 ziplines that takes two hours to complete.  I even did a front flip off one of the zipline platforms.  It was awesome!  Talk about feeling alive. 

A few weeks ago, we were able to celebrate my nieces first birthday.  She is absolutely adorable. 

Summer is coming to a close (single tear running down cheek) and Brooklyn will soon be starting 2nd grade and RIDING THE BUS!  I can’t believe it.  I feel this need to try and squeeze in everything we didn’t do yet.   

Throughout all the loveliness of the last few weeks, there is a little monster that is rearing it’s ugly head again.  My headaches are back.  So much so, that I found it necessary to call U of M yesterday.  My next scans are scheduled for September 13, but they want to get my brain MRI done before that.  I fear the worse (more tumors), but am hoping for the best.  The headaches are very similar to my headaches I had when the tumors were first found just over a year ago. 

Please pray the cancer is not active in my brain again.

Please pray my headaches will be controlled.

Please pray for a cure!

Praise God for the caring hands that love my children.

Praise God for the doctors who work so hard to take care of cancer patients.

Praise God!

Keep holding on…

Hanging with my kids (excuse my hair)

Jill and Jen have organized a For The Love of Lindy team to support Race for the Cure.  This is our third year and I hope you can make it.  We had a great team last year.  Thank you for signing up in the years past and I hope you’ll do it again.  It’s a lot of fun.

Click on the following link to sign up:

http://westmichigan.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/GRR_WestMichiganAffiliate?pg=team&fr_id=2147&team_id=177464

1.  Moved into our house.  We are settled in.  It’s starting to feel like “home”.  We see a little grass in the yard and we can’t wait until it’s all filled in.  The pool is across the street and we love it. 

2.  We had a week at a cottage:

3.  Enjoyed the Herman Miller Picnic:

4.  Survived Swimming Lessons:

5.  Had a blast at Great Wolf Lodge in Traverse City

The night before we left for Great Wolf in Traverse City, I had Max at Urgent Care where he was diagnosed with half an ear infection and half swimmers ear.  Poor little guy.  So here he is getting drops in his ear. 

Put your paws up

I’m feeling pretty good.  I have a lot of back, neck and shoulder pain.  I don’t know why I have pain in my back.  My shoulder pain is due to arthiritis.  My neck pain is due to a muscle that won’t stop spasming.  I’m still tired, but the NEED for a nap is gone.  Yea!  Since I had so much radiation done to my brain, we are watching for neuropathy in my arms, hands, legs and feet.  I’ve been having some pain in my arm, elbow and all the way down to my pinky finger.  Not fun, but I can still function.  I mean hey, I’m still typing right? 

I’m having this inner battle lately.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know what it is.  I don’t know where it’s coming from.  I have this terrible feeling that I’m not going to win this time.  There I said it.  I feel weak.  Physically and mentally weak.  Faced with breast cancer a few years ago I knew I was going to beat it.  I stayed positive and kept fighting. 

A year ago when it reappeared in my brain, I was sitting wide awake on a gurney at Mayo.  I had a doctor on each side of me turning screws into my skull for a halo and I thought, this isn’t for nothing we’re gonna blast those tumors outta my brain.  We did.  Except for two little spots that remain and we can’t prove they’re tumors. 

This time it’s in my lungs and the plan is that I will start the chemo pill Xeloda in September.  This time, however, my body has been poisoned, it’s bruised, it’s battered, it has seen battles and I don’t know if it’s physically ready to handle another one.  Mentally I’m not as strong as I once was.  I never minded needles before.  I didn’t like them, but I wasn’t phobic.  Now I have anxiety every time I need to have blood drawn or an injection given!  Time magazine recently had an article entitled Scanxiety and it described exactly how I feel.  When did I become so weak?!  I’m such a wuss.  This isn’t who I was.  I don’t even know who I am anymore. 

So for now I wait until September when I go back to Dr. Schott for more scans.  Three things could be seen:

1.  The spots in my lungs are gone - MIRACLE! With no new spots found.

2.  The spots haven’t changed.

3.  The spots grew. 

There is never a time that cancer is free from my mind.  Never.  It’s ALWAYS there.  It weighs me down.  It’s a burden.  It’s there when we’re moving into our new house.  When I watch Brooke swim like a fish on her last day of swimming lessons. It came along to Great Wolf with us and hung over me while Max and my dad figured out every little wheel and lever on Fort Mackenzie.  It’s there when I watch Max and Samantha go from staying on the steps of the pool, and now with beaming faces, jumping in without abandon.  It’s robbing me of full joy and I hate it for that. 

Cancer has, however, brought some really awesome people into my life.  It has shown me ways to serve others and how to show love.

Prayer Requests:

1.  I will be strong enough to face the journey ahead - findings, treatment, etc.

2.  Pray for a miracle. 

3.  Our family as they endure cancer with me. 

4.  A cure!

After confirming with Dr. Schott that it makes no difference whether we treat now or later, I/we decided to enjoy the summer with the kids.  I’ve been sick for the last three summers.  So if given a choice, I choose feeling as good as I possibly can and enjoying the time I have with my kids and husband. 

My next scans are scheduled for mid September.  Such is living life in three month increments…

Thank you for your prayers, cards, emails and kind words of support.  Living with cancer is not easy.  Having your faith tested over and over again is hard.  Knowing others are holding us up if and when we can’t, is awesome. 

Thanks and love you all.

P.S.  Thanks to our small group for stopping by last week.  :) 

We had the visitation last night and the is funeral today.  She was an awesome, tough as nails, yet tenderhearted woman.  She made quilts, pies and balkenbrij.  Balkenbrij is a Dutch dish and you don’t want to know what’s in it.  Okay I’ll tell you.  Pigs head.  That’s right.  You take a pigs head, boil it and pull the meat off, smoosh it up with other stuff and make a loaf out of it.  Cut it into slices and fry it.  Eeeeewwwww.  My dad loves it.  She always had lemon drops and peppermints on her counter.  She will be missed, but I smile because she’s with Jesus - right where she wanted to be.

I was able to see most of my aunts and uncles last night who I haven’t seen since my latest cancer findings.  They were so encouraging and really lifted my spirits.  I was talking to my Uncle Gary about how this is the third time cancer has been found and it gets so hard.  Hard to understand why this keeps happening to me.  Hard to think about what treatment to do.  Hard to think about the road ahead.

My Uncle Gary and Aunt Shirley go to Forest Grove CRC.  Recently they had a guest pastor who had a very inspiring message.  He said if you could ask the people in heaven one question, what would it be?  He said “Was it worth it?”  Abraham - Was it worth leaving everything and going to the desert all those years?  Moses - Was it worth it?  Job - Was it worth it?  Paul - Was it worth it?  Amazing, thought provoking question for me.  It’s still running through my mind.  Was it worth it.  All this cancer in me and the hell it keeps putting my family through is for a reason.  Don’t know what the reason is, but I was chosen to bear this cross and I will.  Someday we’ll stand at the pearly gates and be asked “was it worth it”?  Now that’s perspective.  Thanks Uncle Gary.

Please pray for guidance for Dusty and I as we meet with Dr. Schott on Friday to discuss treatment courses.

First, thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and my family with this past trip to U of M.  Last weekend (Friday and Saturday) I went to U of M to have my usual tests done.  Today Jill and I went to get the results.  We met with Dr. Schott and while my brain  and bones looks good, my lungs don’t.  I have three tiny spots on my lungs.  They are from my original breast cancer.  This is an aggressive cancer that has metastised not only in my brain, but is now building a home in my lungs.  Stupid cancer. 

When Dr. Schott delivered the news, I sat in shock.  I don’t know if it was my eyes or Jill’s eyes that welled up first, but as soon as Dr. Schott offered the tissues we were done for.  I sat there fighting tears and the need to cry.  Telling myself “pull yourself together” and “you need to listen to what she’s saying”.  So jamming my jaw shut and focusing on a medical instrument across the room I retrained myself as best as possible.  Finally someone asked, “what are you thinking?”  All I could say was “Oh Sh*t”.  Sorry mom and dad.  But that’s all I was thinking.  Oh  ….  the cancer is building a new home.  Oh  ….  the cancer is trying to steal more time away from my husband and kids.  Oh …. the cancer is burdening my family AGAIN.  Oh  …. just when I was starting to feel better.  So yes,  I’m sorry if I offend you, but oh sh*t is all I could say.  To follow that up, how dare it return?!  How dare it after all it’s done to my family and friends return to a new spot and take up residence.  Stupid cancer. 

As I said with brain cancer, I’m gonna go down swinging.   Now we’re faced with another decision to make.  How to treat these little spots.  I have three options.  1.  A chemo pill.  2.  Wait and see if the spots grow.  3.  A clinical trial.  We have a week to decide.  We’ll be praying hard. 

The good news is that we’re moving into our new house tomorrow!  We are excited for that change.  I’ll miss our Paw Paw drive house and all our neighbors.  Everyone has been so good to us. 

Please pray for us as we make a treatment decision. 

Building our new house has been fun and a nice distraction from cancer life.  It’s coming along nicely. 

Speaking of cancer life, my cancer club met this week at Applebee’s.  It was nice to see everyone.  Well…almost everyone.  Heather and Amy couldn’t be there.  Kristi Rogaslke is not doing well and is at the end.  Please pray for her and her family.  http://www.briankristi.blogspot.com/

Thank you for your prayers for our family.  I still deal with fatigue, pain and the occasional migraine.  Oh and I can’t forget the lymphedema.  Blah. 

Max loves to do whatever the guys do.  Dusty’s washing the van.  Max is washing his car.  Too cute.

I’m putting a post out because I’ve been having a rough time getting off the steroid.  If you have a moment to pray today, could you put one up there for me?  I will take my last dose of the steroid on Friday.  Tapering off has been brutal and I’ve had every side effect possible.  You name, I’ve had it.   Nausea, vomitting, migraines (they put my on a new migraine med and it’s helped tremendously - PTL), fatigue, muscle aches/pains, the blahs, etc.  The NP at Dr. Schott’s office said they will go away in about a month and I just need to press on.  So press on I shall.  In the meantime, it’s gonna suck, but I’ll be fine.  I’ll be fine….I say that a lot lately. 

Oh great God be small enough to hear me now. 

I wish you all a wonderful Spring Break with your families no matter where you spend it.  Be safe, Be kind, Be a blessing. 

Saturday night Dusty and I were in the living room watching TV.  The kids had been in a bed for well over an hour, Brooklyn must have had trouble getting to sleep.  She walked in the living room with tears rolling down her cheeks and in a very small voice she asks ”Mom…what if the cancer wins?” (more tears and a few sobs).  Wow.  She’s seven now and has come along way since five.  She asked me a similar question when she was five and I said that I will get to go to heaven if the cancer wins.  Her response at that time was that I’ll finally know what Jesus and God look like. 

I sat there for a while not knowing which answer to go with.  We’ve always tried to be as honest as possible with her.  Should I be honest again and say I’ll die?  This is clearly not the time to talk about mom dying.  This poor child is scared out of her mind.  She goes on to say “I need a mom”.  That sound you may have heard rumble throughout the town was my heart breaking.  The only thing I could say was that I want to be her mom and I’m going to fight the cancer with everything I have.  I told her the doctors say the disease is stable and I’m doing as good as I can be with my diagnosis.  We need to keep praying and trust that God will heal me.  She understands that my cancer is from satan and not God.  That God loves us.  Such a difficult subject to talk about with a seven year old. 

It’s amazing who cancer affects and in how many different ways.  Poor kid.  No seven year old should have to deal with the thoughts that she has.  She also sobbed that “daddy will never get married again!” I told her that if I’m not here anymore, daddy could get married again and that I’m okay with it (as long as she’s perfect). 

As far as my health, I’ve been tapering off the Prednisone and it’s not going very well.  I am going to press on and get off the steroids because I need to.  However, I’ve had migraines nearly every day (I think that’s what scares Brooklyn) and my fatigue is getting slightly worse. No fun. 

Our house is moving along well.  Everyone has been working hard on it. 

Please Pray: 

• Please pray for Brooklyn as she stumbles through the web of cancer. 
• Pray that we, as her parents, will know what to say. 
• Pray that my adrenal gland kicks into full gear.
• Pray for my Cancer Club friends in their different stages of the disease.
• Praise for my family and friends who help our family in many ways. 

I received a great report from Dr. Schott at U of M.  The MRI of my brain I had last week showed “no evidence of disease progression”.  I’m still considered stable.  The MRI also showed the two tumors that are still visible do not have a blood supply.  That’s good news.  They suspect the tumor spots that still show up on the MRI are dead tissue from the Gamma Knife Surgery I had in September at Mayo.  This coincides with what Dr. Parney at Mayo warned us about.  He said after he zaps the tumors I could develop scar tissue (dead tissue) in their place. 

When I have my MRI’s, I have them with and without contrast.  The contrast is something they inject me with half way through the MRI and it shows the blood supply in my brain.  We could clearly see that neither spot had a blood supply going to it.  PRAISE THE LORD.  God is good.  I am blessed.  Thank you for your prayers of healing.  I don’t feel worthy of such grace. 

My lab work looked good too.  Slightly anemic, but nothing to worry about. 

Our next plan of action is to get me off the Prednisone (steroid).  I’ve been on steroids since August.  AUGUST!  I’ve tried tapering off them 3-4 times and my adrenal gland has failed me everytime.  Let’s pray that my adrenal gland will wake up and do its job.  I need to get off the steroids. 

The other great news of the day is that we had an offer on our house and it looks like things are working out.  I know nothing is final until the papers are signed, but I dare say our house is sold!  It was on the market for two weeks!  Amazing. 

I go back to U of M in three months for a bone scan, CT of chest/abdomen/pelvis and brain MRI. 

We always end our nightly meal with a prayer.  When Brooklyn was little, we would say Amen and then bust out in this song.  Now Max and Samantha do it.  It was in my head the whole way home today.  Hopefully you remember the song too. 

Amen

Praise the Lord

Amen

Praise the Lord

Glory Hallelujah

Praise the Lord

I’m gonna jump down turn around, touch the ground

Praise my Lord!

I’m excited because Jill is coming with me and we’re going to IKEA first.  I love walking around IKEA.  What I love more is having Jill with me.  She’ll keep me upbeat.  She always does.

I had a great time with my Cancer Club girls last Saturday.  We met at JP’s.  It was great to see everyone and wonderful to have Lisa Vander Zwaag there for the first time.  She’s another brave soul who is around my age and battling this nastiness.  She doesn’t keep a blog so I can’t refer you to one, but please pray for her.  This is a picture of our cancer club.  From left to right is Kristi Rogalske, Lisa Vander Zwaag, me, Lynette Bell, Heather DeBoer, Amy Harper and Robin Maxson. 

Please pray that tomorrow’s appointment goes well and that the results are great. 

I think I’ve mentioned the Cancer Club in past blogs.  We’re a group of young moms who’re battling this demon and I beg of you to pray for Kristi Rogalske (a link to her blog is on the left rail).  She and her husband have made the difficult decision to stop chemo and they had their first meeting with Hospice yesterday.  Please pray that the peace she feels continues.  I’ve just been getting to know her and she is a wonderful woman, wife and mother.  This is really hard for me to think about. 

The big news in our house is that we’ve decided to move.  We’ve wanted to move before the cancer returned and now that things are calmer and more scheduled, we have decided to move.  We’re not moving anywhere exotic.  We’re staying in Zeeland.  So if you need a house on Paw Paw Drive (the street so nice they named it twice) there is a great one for sale.

Learn More - View Listing

Learn More - View Listing

The blizzard was awesome.  Brooklyn was so excited that school was cancelled.  We had a great couple days off.  On Wednesday Brooklyn made a Blizzard Celebration Cake. 

On Thursday, my dad came with his John Deere tractor to plow our driveway.  Max LOVES Papa’s tractor. 

Dad created a huge “snow mountain” for the kids to climb on.  Brooklyn loves it. 

Brooklyn was bummed she had school again today.  I think I saw tears roll down her cheeks this morning.  Life is tough when you’re a first grader. 

My next MRI is scheduled for February 24.  I return again the following week, March 1 (happy birthday mom!) for the results and another check up with Dr. Schott. 

Please pray for:

• Health in our family.  I’m fighting a terrible sore throat. 
• Peace for my family and friends.
• Endurance
• Faith not Fear
• My cancer to go away completely.
• A cure.

Dr. Schott, Dusty and I have decided to still hold off on other therapy at this point.  She had really good reasons - Xeloda (chemo pill) is very toxic.  Another reason is that I continue to be stable with no recurrence of cancer elsewhere in my body.  She also explained I’m not a good candidate for any of the clinical trials at this point.  They have a trial for patients with brain mets whose disease is progressing.   I praise God I’m not eligible for that trial!  Mine isn’t progressing. 

I follow up with her again in six weeks with an MRI and more lab work. 

Dusty and I had a fun day.  Before the appointment we went to IKEA.  A little retail therapy helped with the anxiety and nervousness of the appointment.  It was fun.  The drive home became a little treacherous, but not too bad until the Zeeland exit.  We ate dinner at one of my favorite restaurants - Monelli’s.  YUM! 

Samantha in the snow…

It comes in three pieces.  One for my leg, one for my trunk and one for my arm.  They attach to eachother and have hoses coming out of them going into a machine.  The machine pumps air into the suit to push the fluid around to lymph nodes that I do have.  It works really well!  After one hour the fluid has gone down quite a bit. 

The twins are scared of it.  Samantha cries and says “mama off, mama off”.  It makes Brooklyn cry because I have to wear it laying down and I have restricted movement and it just looks kind of scary.  Max gets annoyed because mama’s not playing with him for a while.   I must admit, it’s not very becoming.  (excuse the messy house) 

Dusty and I are going to U of M on Thursday.  I’m always anxious when these weeks come.  I just pray that everything turns out okay. 

I’ve been tapering off my steroid and I can tell my adrenal gland is being lazy to start working again.  Please pray that I can continue to taper off and my body will start to work like it’s supposed to. 

Thank you for your wonderful emails and cards. 

Happy New Year!  See ya later 2010….hello 2011!  A year ago I was so happy to put 2009 behind us and now I’m equally as happy to put 2010 in the history books.  Just when you think your life will be smooth sailing…

We had a great Christmas.  Brooklyn was so excited for her presents this year.  Max and Samantha were happy to rip the paper and see what’s inside.  They got many fun presents.  It was nice to see our families again too.

Last week Monday we went to Great Wolf Lodge with two other families.  It was a riot. 

At first I wasn’t going to participate in any of the water activities.  First of all, I didn’t have a swim suit and second, what was I supposed to wear on my head?  Jill talked me into getting a mastectomy suit (Lands End has great ones) and when I brought up my head or lack of hair, she said “don’t worry Jill and I have that covered” (I have two friends whose names are Jill).  They bought me and themselves retro style, flowered swim caps.  Jill B was wearing black.  Jill G was wearing hot pink and I wore blue.  It was so funny.  People at the waterpark loved them.  We got a lot of attention!

There’s a slide at the park that three people can ride down together.  The Jill’s and I climb the stairs to the top.  Wait in line and finally it’s our turn.  There we stood.  Ready to gracefully maneuver our way onto the three seater tube.  The boy attendant working the slide turns to us, looks us up and down and says “there is a 500 lb weight limit”.  We were shocked.  Is that a fat joke?  Are you talking to us?  I think all three of us had our jaws on the ground.  Jill B broke the silence by saying to us “Get in!”  We plopped ourselves into that tube so fast and laughed the entire way down the slide.  Who does that boy think he is?!  500 lbs my foot. 

Overall, I feel better than a did a couple months ago.  I’m not back to my old self yet and I can’t wait for that to happen.  The hardest question for me to answer is “how are you feeling?”.  I can answer it by telling you how I feel at that moment, but it fluctuates daily and sometimes hourly.  It’s really tough to make plans or appointments because I feel bad cancelling and I don’t want to cancel because that means cancer is winning.  I won’t let it win. 

I’m still taking Prednisone, but I’m tapering off it.  Hoping my adrenal gland won’t be sluggish and will kick in. 

Thank you for your Christmas cards this year.  It is so fun to see everyone’s family pictures. 

I am going to see Dr. Schott at U of M next week for a routine check up.  Please pray we don’t find any lumps or bumps and that my lab work looks good. 

Thank you for your prayers and I ask that you continue to pray for:

• My cancer to disappear completely and forever.
• Brooklyn, Max and Samantha as they deal with having a sick mom.
• Dusty being superdad.  He’s been on this rollercoaster with me and although he doesn’t physically feel what I feel, he has to carry quite a load.
• Everyone who battles and suffers from an incurable disease.  We need endurance, strength, positivity and love. 

I don’t think everyone will understand exactly what I mean, so I’ll give you a few examples from just the last three weeks: 

A few weeks ago a group of special Ridge Point Community Church members dropped off a huge box of food.  So much food, I couldn’t even lift it.  They circled us and prayed for us and showed such love and compassion. 

At the Ensing Family Christmas party, we were presented with a couple dozen sizable gift cards to use to offset takeout food expenses.  When Lindy is nauseous the last thing she can do is cook, so these come in so handy.

There’s been a group of 2nd graders from Holland writing letters to Lindy and coloring pictures and cards.  We get a new envelop filled with more of them every week.  It’s hard to be sad when you read/look at these honest and uplifting expressions by these little people. 

Yesterday, I was presented with an over-flowing gift basket from my Marketing coworkers at Herman Miller.  Inside, in addition to several goodies and movies, there was a certificate for a weekend away to Great Wolf Lodge and $500 cash to use for the trip.  Our instructions were to make memories and enjoy the time together.  Amazing. 

This past summer and fall, we were the benefactors of several fundraiser efforts.  Once again, we’d like to thank the For the Love of Lindy Committee for organizing the bake sale, our friends at Dutch Studios, Crazy Horse, Elhart Collision (Community FUNDay), Kibler’s Kreations, Beechwood Restaurant, Avon, Dress Code, Englesman’s Greenhouses and the list goes on and on. 

Also, for all those that have sent us money or other assistance this past year, we thank you all.  Your gifts had made life easier and allowed us to focus on what really matters.

Patty, your daily messages of love are so appreciated.  What a gift you are from above. 

Thank you to our family for helping care for our kids and for taking us meals.  We could not do this without your loving care. 

In the midst of an unimaginable situation, we are so blessed.  This Christmas holds a new meaning for our family; we pray it does for you too.  Merry Christmas. 

While I was holding for her I began getting really angry.  Irate.  How could this be happening?  Dr. Schott said everything looked good on the CT scan last week?  What is wrong with my CT scan?  This is not happening.  I’m barely back on my feet and now there is a problem with my CT scan. 

Joan got on the line and explained that the radiologist saw a “spot” by my right ovary and a “spot” by my left ovary.  I had a hysterectomy, but it was a partial hysterectomy.  Meaning…they didn’t take my ovaries.  She said not to worry (IMPOSSIBLE) and that I need to get an ultrasound by my local doctor to find out what the spots are.  They make her and Dr. Schott “uncomfortable”.  Uncomfortable! 

I hung up the phone, had a panic attack, called Dr. Taylor’s office and begged them to get me in ASAP.  They were able to get me in yesterday.  I didn’t tell many people because I was hoping and praying that the “spots” were nothing. 

Dusty and I went to Dr. Taylor’s offce and the ultrasound proved that the “spots” are cysts on my ovaries.  No big deal.  Thank God.  I cannot explain to you the relief that came over me when I heard that. 

Joan’s phone call reminded me, again, of how your life can change in an instant.  One phone call can stop you in your tracks and turn your life upside down.  Forever changing everything.  Nothing being the same again.  You never forget where you were, what you were doing and who you were with when those phone calls come.

Praise God it wasn’t one of those phone calls.  Praise God the “spots” are only cysts.  Praise God my disease is still stable.

Praise God.

Here is a breakdown of our day:

At 9 a.m.  I had an injection for my 1 p.m. bone scan.  She put an IV in me and kept it there for the MRI and CT scans later that day.  Needles don’t scare me, but since my lymph nodes were removed on my right side they can only draw blood on the left.  I’ve been poked so much on the left side that I’ve developed scar tissue around many veins which makes these pokes a bit more painful.   

At 10 a.m. I had an MRI with contrast.  Despite the arcade noises blasting in my ear I was able to snooze for a minute or two. 

At 11 a.m. I had to start drinking a nasty “smoothie” for my CT scan. 

At 12 p.m.  I had to drink another “smoothie” for the CT scan of my chest, abdomen and pelvis.  Then my IV was removed. Yea!

At 12:15 We went to the cafeteria because I wasn’t allowed to eat for six hours before my CT scan.  I bought a margherita flatbread pizza.  Apparently the chef’s at U of M like to douse the pizza in red pepper flakes.  So much that my lips were burning. 

At 1:00 I had a bone scan.

At 1:30 I ran into the nearest bathroom and vomitted everything out of my system.  Either because I forgot to take and bring my anti-nausea pills, or because I hadn’t eaten since last night.  If you read everything up until this point, you’ve read that I was injected with dye for the bone scan, injected with contrast for the MRI, drank two of the most disgusting “smoothies” for the CT scan, was injected with contrast for the CT scan and my body decided to rebel. 

Poor Dusty was stuck carrying my bag and purse from that point forward.  Such a good man.

At 2:15 I had my blood drawn.

At 2:30 I ran into the nearest bathroom and vomitted AGAIN. 

At 3:15 I arrived on Dr. Schott’s floor where I was given a pink hospital pan/bucket to vomit in.  The nurse was such a blessing.  She took pity on me and put us in a room with a couch, three warm blankets and a pillow.  I fell asleep.  It was fantastic. 

At 4:00 we met with Dr. Schott.  Great news is the scans came back clean.  I show no signs of new cancer anywhere in my body.  The CT was clear (stomach, ovaries, liver, kidneys) and the body scan was clear too!  My bones do not have cancer in them either.  Praise God!  The MRI showed my brain tumors continue to shrink.  I was hoping they would be gone, but shrinkage can be a good thing. 

The last time I saw Dr.  Schott I had purple blotches on my back.  They never went away and she diagnosed it today as lymphedema.  Typically people show lymphedema in their arms, but staying in true out-of-the-box Lindy fashion, I have lymphedema in my back.  Secretly I’m relieved it’s lymphedema.  I thought I was getting back fat! 

At 4:30 we left and had a drive home that was rough since I wasn’t feeling well.  Thankfully they let me keep my little pink tub/bucket. 

Thank you for your prayers.  I felt so much peace today.  I’m so thankful no new cancer was found and my brain continues to heal.  God is good and so are his people!

Things have been going okay for me.  I’m having a day or two a week where I feel pretty good.  Other days I’m anywhere from uncomfortably nauseous to horribly nauseous with a headache sprinkled here and there and a good dose of fatigue. 

I’m particularly anxious right now because I have multiple appointments at U of M on Thursday for scans and a meeting with the doctor.  I’m having an MRI of my head,  CT scan of my chest, abdomen and pelvis and a bone scan.  When those are complete I meet with Dr. Schott.  Please pray that all the scans are clear, show no signs of new cancer, the brain tumors are gone and that I will have peace about this appointment.

This holiday season seems more special than ever.  We have so much to celebrate and give thanks for.  I cherish every moment with my family.  On the Ver Beek side of the family instead of the adults trading gifts, we give money to a charity or organization.  This year we purchased two goats and four chickens for families in Africa through World Vision.  I can honestly say that is the craziest Christmas gift I ever gave someone.   

We’ve been contacted by a few organizations about bringing our family a holiday meal or toys for the kids.  We are very blessed with Dusty’s full time job and insurance.  We do not need holiday meals or toys for the kids.  The money from the fundraisers people so graciously organized for us, is being strictly used for medical expenses that insurance does not cover.  We are able to provide for our family and appreciate being thought of.  If you wanted to bring a toy for the kids, please donate a toy to Toys for Tots or a similar organization. 

I hope you had a good Thanksgiving too. 

I went to U of M last week Thursday and met with Dr. Schott.  The good news is that we clarified my adrenal glands will work they are just sluggish and that’s why they put me on Prednisone.  Just when I think I’m done with steroids, I get another one.  It’s working though, so I’m thankful for that.  Everything else checked out fine.  No new lumps or bumps were found.  Lab work looked good.  The bad news is that we can’t fix my nausea.  I feel like I have the stomach flu everyday.  Some days are better than others, but at some point during the day I feel really sick.  We’re trying a new medication for it. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - I’m sick of being sick!  Some days it’s more a mental fight than a physical fight.  Either way, it’s hard and I’m tired of it.  I just want to feel better. 

I return to U of M on December 2 for scans.  Please pray they don’t find cancer anywhere in my body.

If I don’t write again, I wish everyone a happy and blessed Thanksgiving.  Gobble gobble. 

For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds. - Jeremiah 30:17

Prayer Requests:

• Returned strength and energy
• No more nausea
• The scans on December 2 are clear
• My family - Dusty, kids, our parents, siblings, etc.
• Thanks for our support system. 

Last Friday, after consulting with my favorite nurse at U of M (Sarah), I went to Spectrum’s ER.  Jill was kind enough to drive me there.  The down side is that Jill doesn’t work at Spectrum so I didn’t get the star treatment like I do at Holland Hospital.  I must say we arrived at the perfect time because we could walk right in.  They took an MRI of my noggin and found no new activity and the other tumor spots were non existent.  Praise God!  I called Sarah at U of M the following Monday to find out if this means I’m in remission and it doesn’t.  It means my disease is stable. 

I still felt sick this past week and began vomiting again with low grade fevers, slight headaches, fatigue, etc.  On Friday I called my favorite U of M nurse and she insisted that I come to their Urgent Care.  Jill and I hopped in the car and off we went.  It’s a 2 1/2 hour drive, but an easy one.  It was fun to go with Jill too.   She has quite the singing voice. 

When we got there I had a blood draw.  It was a type of draw I hadn’t had before.  Lots of blood and they had to draw from two different sites.  Then I went for a chest x-ray.  Finally up to the infusion floor where they pumped me with two bags of IV fluids and some meds.  The best news of the day is that the blood work showed what was wrong with me!  I have adrenal insufficiency.  They adjusted my meds, gave me new ones and I feel much better already.  Thank God!  I can’t completely describe what it feels like to have that insufficiency, but at times I felt like I was suffering.  It’s horrible.  I’m so thankful God put the right people in front of me to urge me to get help (Dusty and Jill), led me to the right place (U of M), ordered the right tests (lab work) and presented the diagnosis to the PA.  God is awesome.  Oh and the chest x-ray was fine. 

So that was my life the last two weeks.  Not fun.  Miserable. Challenging.  But I got through it and feel so much better!

I was happy to make it to Crazy Horse.  That was a great night.  To see all those people and the kindness of the owner, manager, waitstaff and everyone who works there to donate their time and wages.  It was amazing.  Thank you to everyone who came, ate AWESOME food and had a good time.  It was nice to see some of you. 

God Bless! 

P.S.  I’d like to give a special shout out to Mr. Lowe’s seventh grade class! 

I thought a lot about life today and about cancer and what large part of our lives “it” has become.   Here’s what I do know: 

What cancer cannot do

Cancer cannot weaken our faith.

Cancer cannot steal our will to live.

Cancer cannot keep us down; we will get back up.

Cancer cannot diminish the love we have for each other.

Cancer cannot erase our memories.

Cancer cannot make us forget where we’ve come from.

Cancer cannot cause us to loose hope.

Cancer cannot crush our dreams.

Cancer cannot ruin this day.

Cancer cannot overcome God’s plan for us.

Dr. Schott is a lovely woman.  I will spare you all the details of how we came to the treatment plan, but this is what it will be.  I am going back next month to monitor my headaches and my orthostasis (new development for me, but not a big deal).  I had my labs drawn yesterday so I will get the results of those as well.  In December I will have an MRI of my head, body scan and CT of my abdomen.  We pray that no tumors/cancer is picked up on the scans and the brain tumors have disappeared.  We’ve decided to hold off the Xeloda chemo pill at this time.  Not only because I don’t show evidence of cancer anywhere else in my body, but also because I finished whole brain radiation 1 1/2 months ago and finished Gamma Knife two weeks ago, so I need to fully recover from those procedures until we begin anything new.  I need to regain my strength, let the brain swelling go down and recover.

Speaking of swelling, some of your jaws may have hit the ground when you saw me in person or in pictures lately.  I don’t look like myself.  My face is very round and I’ve gained a lot of weight.  The doctor’s tell me this is normal and because of the Dexamethasone (steroid to keep the brain swelling, headaches and nausea away) and it’s just a nasty side effect from it.  That being said, I thank all of you for the delicious baked treats and desserts you’ve brought my family lately, but in an effort to be healthy, I ask that you bring your wonderful treats to your neighbors, friends or family. 

Well…I’m off to buy fat pants.  Wish me luck. 

What an awesome weekend we had.  Friday night was the bake sale at the Zeeland East vs. Holland Christian game.  The bake sale went great.  If you’re a Holland Christian fan, the game - not so great.  Thank you to everyone who baked.  Thank you to Keely, Wendie and anyone else who spent time organizing the event.  Thank you HCHS for allowing the tent in the parking lot. 

Since I’m still not 100% and I promised Brooklyn I would go along to see Hannah Montana on Saturday, I didn’t go to the game.  My parents, Clair and Jane did go and they had a great time.  We stayed home and had a pumpkin painting party.

Saturday was the Community FUNDay at Elhart Collision.  That was SO FUN.  It was great to see everyone.  Despite the cold weather (I went back home to get warmer coats and hats for the kids) we had a blast.  The kids loved jumping in the Moonwalk (I think that’s what it’s called), eating hot dogs, taking a swing at the cancer car (see video of Brooklyn taking a hit in the videos section), having their face or hands painted.  There was so much to do.  Brooklyn would say the best part of the day was watching Hannah Montana (impersonator) and I would have to agree it was pretty cool.  The kids loved it.  I would say the best part of the day was seeing all my family and friends.  Thank you Tony, Carissa, Elhart and all the community donators who made that day so memorable.  It was definitely a day for the memory bank. 

This week Thursday I have an appointment with Dr. Schott at the University of Michigan.  She is an oncologist who specializes in breast cancer.  She is the doctor that Dr. Blackwell from Duke suggested I see since she is in Michigan.  She has an aggressive approach and is up on all the latest clinical trials.  I am looking forward to learning what my next steps will be. 

Correction to previously published information:  I recently received a letter from Mayo Clinic stating that I will need an MRI in four months to find out how the procedure worked.  I thought it was two months, but hey, I have brain tumors. 

Prayer Requests:

• Please pray for safe travels to U of M and guidance for Dr. Schott with how to treat me.
• I’ve had more intense headaches the last two days and I hope this is a sign that the tumors are melting away and nothing serious.
• Continued energy for my parents as they support our family.
• Thank you for all the people who have touched our family - there are SO MANY. 
• Pray for a cure.

I was able to squeeze contacts in my eyes this morning so I could wear sunglasses to walk Brooklyn to school.  I would make small children run and scream for their mothers if they saw me.  I look a little scary.  When Max and Samantha first saw my eyes, they kept pointing at them and saying “eyes?  eyes?”  Poor kids.  First they see me without hair and now my face looks contorted.  I’m glad they won’t remember this.  They still love me the same. 

You know what I can’t wait for?  Crane’s.  It’s not fall until you go to Crane’s and drink some cider, pick some apples and get an apple dumpling or some other delicious apple treat.  As soon as I start to look “normal” we’re packing up the kids and heading to Fennville! 

This coming Friday, October 1 is the big bake sale at the Holland Christian vs. Zeeland East Football game.  Thank you Keely, Wendie, bakers and everyone who is taking the time and effort to put this together.  I know this takes a lot of work and we appreciate it. 

This coming Saturday, October 2 is the Community FUNDay at Elhart Collision.  Thank you Tony, Carissa and everyone at Elhart who put this together. 

The rest of this entry is a big, giant THANK YOU to everyone - so many people - who are supporting and praying for our family.  People we don’t even know are reaching out to us.  You are God’s people and such blessings to our family.

Thank you to those of you who are donating and returning pop cans.

Thank you to everyone who ran or walked in the Susan G. Komen Race For the Cure on Saturday.  What a great cause and let’s pray for a cure.  I heard it was a great turn out and I wish I could’ve been there. 

Thank you to the awesome cook’s who are bringing us meals.

Thank you to everyone who has donated money to us.  It takes a huge burden off our medical expenses and we are so humbled by your generosity. 

Thank you to the prayer warriors who are boldly praying for complete healing over me. 

Thank you to the card senders and little present givers. 

Thank you to everyone who hosted a party or sale.

Thank you to anyone I mistakenly overlooked. 

Love you all!

What blows my mind is that I had this big procedure yesterday, flew home the same day and can recuperate at home.  I am so glad to be home.  Speaking of the procedure, overall it went well.  The worst part was having the head frame applied.  The local anesthetic they used felt like a million bee stings.  It was really painful.  Then a few minutes later the neurosurgeons turn the screws into my skull to secure the frame  It seemed barbaric.  Within moments I couldn’t feel any pain in my head, just pressure and the frame. 

I then went for an MRI.  The doctors met to discuss my treatment.  Then I had the procedure.  I laid on a table for 1 hour 40 minutes while five tumors were radiated.  I slept for most of the procedure - thanks to the “I don’t care” medicine.  When it was done, they removed the frame, applied a bandage around my head and sent me to my recovery room where I could meet Dusty again.  After an 1 1/2 hours we left the hospital and went back to the hotel. 

I clarified with Dr. Parney (neurosurgeon) that the five tumors they found on the MRI were the existing tumors and not new ones.  That was a big relief to me.

My next steps are an MRI in a couple months to see how the Gamma Knife worked.  I’m also going to begin working with the University of Michigan and am working on getting an appointment with them. 

Today I feel very tired.  My head hurts and my eyes are swollen.  Small price to pay. 

Thank you for your prayers.  For those who held us up in prayer whether you were at church, home, work or wherever.  God is good and has done great things for me.  I saw Him many times while we were at Mayo.  I love it when He shows up. 

Saturday is the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure.  I can’t wait to see everyone there. 

Due to inbound nasty weather, we are flying back home late this afternoon. it’s amazing that we’re able to leave so soon. We’ll have to wait a couple of months to know if this worked, but at least it’s done. Now we live.

I had four appointments today to prepare for tomorrow’s procedure.  I’ve been blissfully ignoring pictures of the head frame they’re screwing on me.  Today I saw pictures of it.  That is the one thing I look the least forward to.  Everything today went well and I feel like I’m in good hands for tomorrow. 

I don’t have a specific time the surgery will be performed.  I need to report at 5:30 a.m. (6:30 a.m. Michigan time) at which point they will take me down to the surgery area and they’ll bring Dusty to the waiting room.  They will put the frame on my head, send me for an MRI, doctors will discuss how to best treat me and then I’ll go have the Gamma Knife procedure. 

Gamma Knife is a very precise instrument that uses high levels of focused radiation to treat the brain.  Using this method, neurosurgeons are able to focus radiation directly, and very precisely, on the targets in the brain without affecting surrounding healthy tissue.  Over time, the radiation will react on a molecular level with the cancer cells and stop their reproduction, which in turn kills the cancer.  

When the procedure is finished (they don’t know how long it will take until they have the MRI results), they will remove the frame, bandage my entire head and send me to the day ward where they will make sure I’m okay and send me on my way.  I can’t believe it’s an outpatient procedure.  That seems crazy to me.  Amazing. 

I am so humbled and grateful to know there are people praying for me around the clock on Wednesday.  Thank you to everyone who is going to take time out of your busy schedules and maybe even lose sleep to do this.  It means so much to me and my family. 

Thank you to everyone who is participating in the Susan G Komen race this Saturday.  I think our Laps for Lindy team now consists of more than 70 people.  Thank you for supporting this cause.  

Prayer requests:

• Guidance for the surgeons, doctors, nurses, techs and everyone who will be in my path tomorrow.
• COMPLETE and continued freedom from cancer.  That tomorrow’s procedure successfully removes all tumors and the tumors DO NOT return.
• Strength and energy for our parents, family and friends. 

We are flying to Mayo today.  We’ll spend the evening settling in and tomorrow I meet with the radiation oncologists, nurses and other various people who need me to sign papers.  On Wednesday I report to the hospital at 5:30 a.m.  I don’t know what time the procedure will be so we’ll post something on Facebook once we know our schedule. 

When we met with the doctors at Mayo and Duke I asked them if my prognosis will change once we get rid of the brain cancer.  The answer was no.  I need to be watched very closely because my cancer is aggressive and invassive.  So I need to live my life either fighting cancer or watching for it to come back.  That is where fear likes to settle in and get comfortable.  Fearing when the cancer will return.  I need to focus on the other F word.  FAITH.  I need to have faith that God can and will heal me COMPLETELY.  He can heal me for the rest of my life here on earth.  I 100% believe he can do it.  I just need to crush the doubt that he won’t do it for me.  I don’t feel worthy. 

Thank you to everyone who signed up for a prayer time slot this Wednesday.  It’s comforting to know that we’re being supported in prayer. 

We’ll try and keep you updated as we get closer to the big day. 

Love you all!

I’m happy to say our trip to Duke was successful.  We met with Dr. Blackwell who specializes in breast cancer and she not only agreed with Mayo in treating my brain with Gamma Knife, but also suggested treating me with either an oral chemo pill that can pass the blood brain barrier or a clinical trial or both.  She said my brain is one thing that we know needs treatment, but she’s also concerned about the rest of me.  She said if one cancer cell could survive all my prior treatments and was smart enough to take up residence in my brain, then she wants to make sure there are no other smart cells to take up residence from my neck down.  She would follow me very aggressively seeing me every three weeks and having scans run every nine weeks. 

She gave a lot of great suggestions and advice.  She also suggested that I begin working with a major cancer center in Michigan, such as U of M, and with a doctor who specializes in breast cancer and is on top of all the clinical trials.  She said it didn’t matter where I get my brain tumor zapped (Mayo or Duke), but that being a 33-year-old YOUNG woman I need to work with a major cancer center. 

I made the appointment with Mayo to have the Gamma Knife surgery next Wednesday.  I’m nervous, scared and excited.  Thank you to the Pugh’s for flying us to Minnesota for this procedure.

Right now I am so sick of cancer.  I’m sick of talking about.  Reading about it.  Hearing about it.  Learning about it.  Remembering I have it.  My life has been consumed by cancer lately and I’m sick of it.  So sorry this isn’t a really great posting, but I’m trying to rebalance my life so that cancer isn’t the center of it. 

Thank you to everyone who helped out with the kids while we were gone.  It’s hard to be away from them and it’s hard to think I’m leaving again.  We couldn’t do this without everyone’s help.  Thank you!

We never expected to be at Mayo for as many days as we were.  We almost had to stay one more day (today) and come home tomorrow.  Then God worked another miracle.  I saw God in small ways and big ways this week. 

Dr. Goetz was the doctor we were scheduled to see.  He’s an oncologist.  After waiting two hours to see him, he gave us 5 minutes of his time (two of which were taking a phone call) and told us we need to see a neuro oncologist and have an MRI.  He acknowledged the MRI would be early, but necessary to make a decision.  Needless to say we were frustrated, disheartened and discouraged. 

God moment:  They got us in with the neuro oncologist the following day!  Typically it takes months to get in with them, but we got in the following day! 

One more night at Mayo.  Unfortunately we checked out of our hotel expecting to go home after seeing Dr. Goetz on Wednesday.  So while I was having an MRI, Dusty found another hotel which had one room for one night (God moment).  Busy town. 

Thursday our appointment was scheduled with Dr. O’Neill (neuro oncologist) at 2:00 p.m.  We were in his patient room until 5:30 p.m.!  First we saw Dr. Chang who ran me through what I lovingly call neuro Olympics.  Follow her finger with my eyes, touch my finger to my nose, resist her push/pull, etc.  I passed in flying colors. 

After a stretch of time, we saw Dr. O’Neill who was very personable and informative.  He and Dr. Chang compared my end-of-July MRI to the MRI I had on Wednesday.  There was a significant difference in the tumors.  The huge one in my cerebellum (affects balance, etc) is the one that’s of concern.  They determined that it is bleeding slightly (not hemorrhaging).  He wanted us to stay another night and meet with the neurosurgeon today.  When they left the room I could’ve cried.  I was planning on being home Thursday.  I missed my kids like crazy.  God moment:  Instead of coming back to the room with an appointment for today, they came back to the room with Dr. Ian Parney, Neuro Surgeon. 

Dr. Parney explained that I had an excellent response to radiation even on an MRI done early.  He said it was amazing.  I call it a miracle.  (God moment)

Dr. Parney gave me three options: 

1.  Wait four more weeks, have another MRI to see if the tumor has shrunk more.  He didn’t think it would since there is blood present.  Risks are slight hemorrhage (balance and headaches) to a large hemorrhage (life threatening). 

2.  Open me up and operate on the tumor.  Many risks involved.

3.  Gamma Knife Surgery.  This is his recommendation.  It involves screwing a metal cage to my skull in four places.  Two on my forehead and two on the back of my head.  You would think they’d knock me out for this.  Oh no.  They give me local anesthetic where they put the screws and some “I don’t care” medicine.  They better double the dose because I really care.  Then I have an MRI with the cage on my head so they know precisely where the tumor is in relation to the cage.  Then I go to surgery, which isn’t really a surgery at all.  It’s a very high dose of radiation (laser) given in a very precise, specific location of the brain (my tumor) and will knock it out. 

We then asked the question everyone skirts around.  Life expectancy.  He would precede all of his opinions with “I don’t have a crystal ball”.  He goes on averages.  On average, someone with brain mets (me) lives about a year.  However, I have a few things going for me.  I’m young.  I don’t have cancer elsewhere in my body.  I’ve had a very good response to radiation which tells him I’ll have a good response to the Gamma Knife Surgery.  I had a good response to breast cancer treatment.  He has seen women who had breast cancer mets to the brain live for years.  He also forgot to mention that I’m a child of God and He will heal me. 

We felt like we had the complete Mayo experience yesterday.  Wednesday was just a bad day. 

We were nervous about going to Duke because we didn’t want a repeat of Wednesday (a doctor trying to brush us off).  We wanted to be sure we were seeing the right type of doctor.  After calling Duke and talking with them, they assured me I was seeing the right doctor so we decided we’re still going to Duke.   

We are SO THANKFUL we at least have an option at Mayo.  I feel better if I get a second opinion before going through the surgery. 

Thank you for your prayers.  The week went well and it was great to see God show up in so many ways. 

Brooklyn is doing well at school (loving it) and Max and Samantha had fun with grandpa’s, grandma, their aunt Becky and Kathy Timmer.  Thank you everyone for watching the kids and continuing to do so.  We couldn’t do it without you. 

Good news: 4 of the 6 tumors are no longer visible. Praise God for good news.

Two tumors remain. 1 very small and may go away as the radiation continues to work. Time will tell. Overall the neurosurgeons were impressed with my response to radiation. The second tumor is bleeding slightly. They suggest having Gamma Knife Surgery on the tumor. Details to come.

Lindy is in getting a MRI as I write this post.  We’ve been here about 10 hours getting several tests ran and meeting with medical professionals.  Mayo runs a tight ship.   This MRI will tell us how well Lindy’s brain received the radiation and if the tumors have shrunk at all.  This is pivotal to next steps determining treatment.   Please pray the tumors have shrunk or are gone completely.   We hold out hope for a miracle.  

Tomorrow we meet with a famous Neurological Oncologist (they were booked six months out yet still got us in to see them).  Amazing how God opens doors.  Depending on the results of the MRI, there may be special clinical trials that she may qualify for.  We have a summary meeting late in the day with Dr. Goetz, her Oncologist to discuss possible next steps. 

The gravity of this situation is sinking in for us.  Seeing all the sick people here is scary.   It’s too real.   Gravely ill people from all over the world coming together here for one thing: HOPE.  We were greeted by a man vomiting all over himself and the lobby when we arrived.   This is where we are.  Here. 

Tonight will be difficult.  It’s hard to wait until tomorrow afternoon for MRI results.   Satan has a way of putting doubt in your head.  He plants anxiety and ignites fear.   There’s too may ‘what-ifs’ that pop into your head when you wait for these test results.  

We will post more information as soon as we can.  We love you all and thank you for supporting us in so many ways.  We are so blessed. 

From decorating his desk at work and posting his little kid picture all over Herman Miller (including bathroom stalls), to making an awesome cake (thank you Joni Gibson), money for dinner, 50 cards, treats, balloons, beer “with roots”, barbie and smurf cakes, 70+ Facebook messages, etc.  He was even gifted a special Eames birthday throne (thank you Brian Van Kley). 

He had a perfect day.  Thank you all!

This week we’re going to Mayo in Rochester, MN.  Thank you to everyone for your advice and help on getting there.  Thank you to the people who are staying at the house taking care of the kids while we’re gone. 

I wish I could say I were excited and hopeful about the trip, but my guard is up so I’m scared, nervous, worried and anxious.  I hate feeling this way.  I want good news. 

This is also Brooklyn’s first week of school.  New school, new grade, all day.  It’s a big deal and I’m not going to be here for it.  You can probably imagine the guilt. 

Please pray for:

• God to go before us and set the path for all we do  - Mayo, work, first day of school, etc.
• Safe travel to and from Mayo
• Good treatment options offered to me from the doctors at Mayo.
• Good first week of school for Brooklyn.
• Safety for the Samantha, Max and Brooklyn as they spend time with family and friends. 

Dusty is not your typical adult when it comes to birthdays.  Oh no.  He doesn’t pretend it’s not coming.  He doesn’t dread turning another year older.  He doesn’t deny that it’s his day.  He LOVES his birthday.  He looks forward to it.  He reminds me weeks in advance when his birthday is coming.  If he receives a birthday card in the mail before his birthday, he will save it to open on his birthday.  He loves his birthday. 

Dusty’s big day is this week Saturday, September 4.  He is turning 36.  I’m writing this because I want to make his day great.  If you see Dusty between now and then, please tell him a big Happy Birthday and give him a slap on the shoulder or a great big bear hug or something.

Thank you.

The time I spend with Dusty is different.  Not that he ever got on my nerves, but let’s say if he did occasionally, he doesn’t anymore.  I’m just happy to be with him.  Things don’t annoy me anymore.  The moments I spend with my parents, family and friends is different.  I soak all of it in.  I’m grateful for it. 

I recently received a letter from a man at church who lost his wife to cancer.  I don’t think he’ll mind me telling you that his prayer to God was he would give them five more years.  Five more years.  God gave them five more years.  She was a wonderful woman. 

I’ve been given a year, but the five years has been on my mind.  Then I think to myself that I want more than five years.  I want way more than five years.  How much is too much to ask?  In five years Brooklyn will be almost 12.  Max and Samantha will be almost 7.  They have too much life ahead of them to spend without a mom.  Scrap the five years. 

Do I ask for ten years?  That puts Brooklyn at 16 (almost 17).  By then she’ll have survived middle school and have been through driver’s training.  Maybe she’ll have been through her first heartbreak (hopefully not) and had her first fight with her friends.  Max and Samantha will be 11 (almost 12).  I’m terrible with knowing what grade they’ll be in, but I would imagine it would be around the sixth grade.  Just beginning those ever changing middle school years.  They need a mom for this.  I need to be here.  Scrap the ten years.

How much is too much to ask?  I know that my days are numbered as are the rest of my family’s.  I believe I need to rest in God’s undying love for me and my family.  I know that His will is perfect.  I need to trust and be still. 

If you’re wondering, I’m not angry at God.  I haven’t been angry yet.  I’m tired.  I’m sick of it.  I’m sad that he chose this daughter of His to have struggles.  I do wonder why.  Why couldn’t it have ended with breast cancer?  That would’ve been enough for me. 

I never saw myself as a weak person, but that’s how I feel most days.  I don’t want to be the girl with reoccurring terminal brain cancer.  The one people give head tilt looks of pity to.  The one that all of these AWESOME people are organizing fundraiser events for.  I can’t believe I’m that girl.  I’m the girl who since on steroids for my brain swelling has gained another 10 pounds.  I am currently 35+ pounds beyond where I normally am.  I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself.  I’m heavy.  My head is burnt from radiation and starting to peel.  Did I mention that my reconstruction surgery had to be postponed?  I barely recognize myself.  A tiny fraction of what I looked like 1 1/2 years ago is still there.  That’s hard. 

I want to  be the girl who organizes the fundraisers for someone else.  Who donates the $20.00 for someone else’s family.  Who gives all their pop cans and returns all of them (thank you Jen) to give the money to someone else’s family.  Who organizes a bake sale, jewelry show, repairs their van and so much more for someone else’s family.  It is so humbling to be where I am.  I am so thankful for everyone who has stepped forward and is working on or has already helped our family.  Thank you. 

I’m also scared.  Scared for what Mayo Clinic and Duke will tell me.  Will they offer a new treatment?  Will they offer surgery?  What if they tell me they have nothing for me?  Fear is from my enemy.  I know that God is better than any doctor on the face of this earth.  He is the only one who can cure my cancer.  No one else.  He’s it.  I need to trust that.  Put my fear away and rest in God. 

On a MUCH lighter note.  I can’t end this on a ranting pity party for myself. 

I did have a great Saturday making salsa with my friend Jill.  We planted some  (by some, I mean at least 10) tomato plants in my parent’s garden and we have tomatoes coming out of our ears.  So we made the Bazan’s Sweet Salsa recipe (thank you Lindsay).  If you want it, I don’t think she’d mind me giving it to you.  It was easy and it’s really good.  It’s sweet though, so it’s not a traditional salsa if that’s what you’re looking for. 

I am done with radiation!  Yesterday was my last day and it felt so good to be done.  No more crazy mask.  No more burn on my head.  No more sore ears.  We won’t know for two months whether the radiation reduced the tumors or not.  Even though I’m done, it continues to work.  That makes me feel good, but the bummer is the side effects are still in place for that time.  So I’ll deal with the fatigue, but I’ve done that before. 

I’ve noticed my memory isn’t what it used to be.  I tend to get confused with days and dates, but hopefully that will improve. 

I have an appointment with Mayo Clinic on September 8.  Thank you to Randy and Gail Pugh for offering to fly us there and back.  I’ve spoken with Gail on the phone and through email and they are like angels sent from above.  I look forward to meeting them.  

I also have an appointment with Duke University on September 13. 

Once I’ve met with both places and have their suggestions I plan on meeting with Dr. VanderWoude (oncologist) to help decide what I should do.  

The kids are doing great.  Poor Max is so confused by my head.  Whenever he sees me without something on my head, he says “mama”  “hair” in a questioning voice and has to touch my head.  Then he’ll walk to a picture of Dusty and I, where I have hair, and say “mama” in a more definitive tone.  My hair should start regrowth in about two weeks.  I figure in about four to six months my hair will be the way it was before it fell out…again. 

Speaking of hair, Samantha’s hair is getting so thick and it’s growing!  For some reason our girls don’t like to grow hair until about they’re about two. 

Brooklyn is doing great and continues to have an amazing social calendar.  She is having a blast. 

I couldn’t have asked for a better weekend at the cottage.  Thank you Russ and Rhetha Genzink. 

Dusty and I had a great night by ourselves Friday night.  We went out for dinner to Hearth Stone.  We laughed later because we realized it’s a gas station restaurant.  That’s right, we celebrated our 12 year anniversary dining at a restaurant hooked to a BP gas station.  In all fairness, you wouldn’t know it was a gas station restaurant until you go down the hill and see the BP is hooked to it.  It was good food and we couldn’t complain. 

We were given a couple presents from friends to take along.  Knowing my enormous sweet tooth, my friend Jill smuggled a Zeeland Bakery Cake (white cake, chocolate frosting on top and cream in the middle - there is no other way) and fake bubbly (I can’t drink on my drugs).  Susan Bakker made an awesome appetizer platter for us. 

Susan also made a cute little bucket of sparklers, rice krispie treats and fun things for the kids.  Brooklyn decided to try selling the Rice Krispie treats.  What a little entrepreneur!  Wonder where she gets that from? 

We did everything we hoped to do.  We played in the water, went on a boat ride, rode the Sea Doos (Brooklyn’s new favorite), caught a fish, watched a sunset, roasted s’mores, ran around with sparklers, ate too much food and had a great time with the entire family. 

It was so hard to leave on Sunday because it meant coming back to reality.  I am so thankful that for one weekend I could focus on something other than brain tumors. 

I watched my kids play in the water.  Discovered Brooklyn cannot go fast enough on a Sea Doo with her Uncle Clair.  Realized Max thinks he’s a big boy and wants to drive a Sea Doo too (just like Uncle Clair).  Samantha loves the water.  Brynn (my beautiful newborn niece) is such a sweet and awesome baby.  Although…word in the cottage was that she didn’t sleep well and gave her parents and grandparents a rough night.  Somehow my family slept through the whole thing! 

I’ll write a new posting to fill you in on what’s to come with me from a medical standpoint. 

I wanted this posting to be all awesomeness. 

God pulled through for me on Monday.  As you know, Brooklyn wasn’t ready for my hair to fall out so I had one simple request - please let my hair last through our shopping trip.  I put a helmet of hairspray on- it could’ve been bullet proof.  By the time the kids were in bed, however, I was pulling clumps of it out.  It came out quickly.  I’m officially bald….again. 

Disclaimer:  If you drop by my house unannounced (which is fine), but you see me, rush, dash, or army crawl in an effort to be avoided, it’s because I’m frantically looking for a headscarf to put on my head.  I will not answer the door without one.  It’s the vanity in me.  So please pretend you don’t see me flailing around throwing things on my head. 

Medical Update. 

Here is a call I received today:

Ring Ring

“hello?”

“Dr. Frieling” (monotone)

“excuse me?”

“Dr. Frieling Duke University” (he was speaking fast and monotone so I think that was his name)

Papers shuffle “I’m calling for Melinda Ver Beek (that’s me).”

“That’s me”.

“Yes, I’ve looked at your case and we can’t help you.  We only work on primary brain tumors, not tumors that have metastized.  Sorry.”

“So you’re telling me Duke is out of the running?”

“No, my department is out of the running.  Call Amy Blackwell - here’s her number”.

Peach of a man.  I mean really.  I bet he’s a great brain surgeon. 

I called Dr. Blackwell’s office and was more encouraged speaking with her staff than the brain surgeon.  According to her staff, her research is in breast cancer that has metastized.  If my case meets her requirments, I will be considered top priority and she will overboard her clinics.   Right now, I’m transferring my medical records to Duke to find out when I can be seen.  I have a tentative appointment on September 13, but she may want to see me before then. 

I’ve also been in contact with Mayo Clinic.  Currently a case worker is looking over my file and I expect to hear from them by the end of this week. 

Lots of things going on and much more to be thankful for:

Thank God for medicine.

Thank God for the amount of money that’s been donated to us.  This will be used wisely and toward all medical expenses.

Thank you for the prayers of His people.  I feel an intense peace that has also filled our home.  Our attitudes are different towards eachother and there is a lot of happiness despite the circumstances. 

Please pray that this weekend goes well for me and my family.  I’m a little nervous about how I’ll feel physically.  My expectations are so high that I don’t want to let myself down.  Please pray that I don’t have headaches, nausea, or any complications.  I am excited to spend time alone with Dusty and then with the rest of the family.  I can’t wait to see Max and Samantha splash on the beach and put sand in eachother’s hair.  For Brooklyn to take her first sea doo ride and to cruise around on a Pontoon boat.  God is always good. 

BIG THANKS TO:

My radiation drivers.  It’s a treat to chat with someone each day. 

Awesome Ironers.  This has taken a big load off our shoulders

Lawn Mowers.  Thank you Nykamp’s for mowing our yard.

Random Acts of Kindness people:  Cookies, Captain Sundae Coupons, Bars, Meals, Crafs for Brooklyn, Fun outtings for Brooklyn, scarf donations.  The list goes on and I’m sorry if I forgot to mention you.

For The Love Of Lindy - Thank you to the organizers of the various events.  I know this doesn’t come easy and much time and effort has put into it.   It hasn’t gone unnoticed.  I appreciate and love you all. 

Thank you Steve and Julie from Lily’s Limos for making this year’s shopping trip extra memorable!   It was a special time together they will not forget. 

We had a blast.  It was the best shopping experience and one we will always remember.  Thanks for the great memories Steve and Julie!

It’s happening.  My hair is falling out in clumps.  Yesterday Samantha was sitting in her high chair eating a snack.  I bent down next to her to pick up food off the floor.  She decided to reach out and grab my hair.  In doing so, she managed to pull a hand full of my hair with her. It’s not that hard this time around.  I feel like I’ve prepared myself to lose it again and my prayer is that this time it grows back.  They say with radiation it takes longer for it to come back compared to chemo and it may not come back at all.  Small worry in the grand scheme of things. 

My goal remains the same: Stay alive. Raise my kids.

Thankfully I passed my old scarves onto a friend who went through chemo last summer and she kept them.  Not only my scarves, but she passed on a bunch of new scarves too.  Thank you Amy!  This morning Brooklyn and I washed the scarves and hung them on the line to dry.  They looked so pretty I had to take some pictures.

The scarves have accumulated from friends and family and there is even a scarf that was given to me by a dear friend - Anita Geurink who brought it all the way from Beautiful Gate in Leshotoho, Africa!  It’s the blue scarf with cones on it. 

First time was June 2009 when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and I was beginning chemo.  It was going to fall out within two weeks and it will happen fast - within 24 hours.  At that time, I shaved my head during a thunderstorm at 4:00  in the morning. 

This time out of shear rebellion I cut it myself.  I’ve always wanted to try cutting my own hair.  Just to see if I could do it.  How hard could it possibly be?  I stood with a black cape around my neck, hair dripping down my sides and my hands working like Edward Scisscorhands. 

I was going mod.  Something edgy.  Fresh.  Off-centered (not Flock of Seagulls), but maybe something someone would want to emulate.  A look only a woman about to lose her hair would dare sport.  This is what I ended up with:

That’s right.  A dutch boy haircut.  Nothing edgy.  No off-set bangs.  Nothing crazy and fun and wild.  A plain dutch boy haircut.   Even my own daughter looks disgusted by it. 

I don’t have the chops (pun intended) to cut my own hair.  If you need an edgy, mod, fresh hair cut, do not call me.  I am not your girl.  But I tried it.  Attempted it.  Failed it.  And it doesn’t matter because it’s going to fall out soon anyway.

Now when I hear Brooklyn pray at night “Dear God, please don’t let mama’s beautiful hair fall out because it’s so pretty”.  I can’t help but wonder if God is cracking up and figuring out a way to let Brooklyn know He’s doing me a favor by letting it go. 

Onward…we hopped the train to Shedd Aquarium and had a fabulous day.  The kids loved it.  We took in all the sites and made some great memories.  Drove home that night, tired, but happy we had such a fun, successful day.

On Tuesday, July 27 I went to physical therapy because I’ve been having problems with frozen shoulder since my mastectomy.  My PT also knew about my ongoing headaches and nausea and we assumed it was because of all the adjusting we were doing to my shoulder and neck area.  After PT I had such a bad headache that I called Dr. Hoberman (my surgeon) and she prescribed Norco (narcotic).  I took the pain pills, got through the day, but couldn’t seem to get rid of the headaches. 

On Wednesday, July 28 I began vomiting because the headaches were too severe.

On Thursday, July 29 I called Dr. Hoberman explaining the pills weren’t helping and the vomiting is bad.  She immediately conferred with Dr. VanderWoude who sent me to Holland’s Emergency Room.  Jill drove me there and it was there that I had tests run, including a CT scan.  I didn’t hear it then, but the second train was pulling into the station. 

ALERT!  God Moment:  Dusty happened to meet an old friend for lunch that day and as he was driving by the hospital on his way back to work he popped in so we could joke together about how silly my little ER visit is.  Stupid headaches. 

Jill met him in the hall and remembered telling him that we waiting for the results of the CT scan.  CT scan?  She needed a CT scan?  Dusty came into my room and a moment later Dr. Nicely came in to tell us of the two tumors the CT picked up.  All color washed away from Dusty’s face.  He looked like he was punched in the gut.  This wasn’t expected. I think my eyes were closed with my jaw on the ground and Jill was bent forward with her head in her hands.  This isn’t happening!  At the worst it was going to be meningitis.  That’s what Dr. Hoberman said!  Pesky meningitis.  Not brain cancer.   

Dr. Hoberman walked in the room and I swear as she did I could hear the train start up.   She explained that I could be admitted to get the tests going right away or go home and schedule the tests as an outpatient.  We wanted to get it done.  Get these tumors out of me NOW!  I was decided to send me to Spectrum because they have a bigger pool of brain surgeon’s to work with and that’s also where one of Dr. VanderWoude’s offices is. 

So I boarded the train.  This train was darker.  Not cheery.  Not comfortable.  Cold.  As I rode the train to Grand Rapids it was dark and as light fell through the windows I saw signs before me “Brain Cancer”  “No new body for you”  “How much longer”  “What about your family”  “What do I do now”.  There was no overhead music.  No brightness.  Disbelief.  Dispair. 

We arrived at Spectrum where we were well taken care of.  We had many well wishers and great nurses who took care of us.  The first night at the hospital was busy.  I had an abdominal CT scan at 10:30 at night and a head MRI at 12:30 a.m.  I had a bone scan the next day at 3.  The CT scan and bone scan both showed no signs of cancer - PRAISE GOD!  The MRI, however, showed six tumors throughout my brain.  It was explained that our brains have a natural defense against poinsons (chemo) going to the brain so my cancer spread the only place it could - my brain.  I have three large tumors in my cerebellum, two towards the top of my head and one on the right side of my head.  So far I can do everything I used to do.  I’m mobile and can still type on my blog.  The thing I miss the most is driving.  I’ve decided not to drive because of my risk of seizure.  But thanks to the great support I haven’t had a problem getting anywhere.  Aside from being very tired I’m okay.  I know I wouldn’t be this good if it weren’t for the prayers that are being said on my behalf - thank you. 

I was released from the hospital on August 3 and have been undergoing full brain radiation treatments in Holland.  When I’m finished with radiation (roughly 9 more visits) I will begin exploring Mayo Clinic and some other options that have been presented to me.  I plan on working closely with Dr. VanderWoude and greatly respect her advice for my next steps.

Please pray that God will continue to hold our family and friends up the way only he can.  Things are working really well for us right now.  Dusty is in a deep peace of mind and that is so comforting to me.  Brooklyn has been spoiled with a social calendar unlike anything I’ve seen before and the babies are doing great with grandma and grandpa.  Samantha is even showing interest in potty training!  YIPPEEEE. 

If you haven’t had a chance to read my post to my dad about his last day of work and would like to do so, please do it.  I would love if you could share a memory or story in the comments section so I can print those for him.  He will love to read them.  It will make his day! 

P.S.  There were no train rides.  It was just a metaphor.

Prayer Requests:

No Nausea

Good sleep at night

No Headaches

Continued energy for my parents, family and friends as we walk through this together. 

Thank you to all the radom acts of kindness that are being given to us - gift cards to restaurants, Captain Sundae, fundraisers, bake sales, the list goes on and on and I just don’t feel worthy.  God has been good to our family.  I believe he will carry me through this too. 

My goal is simple:  Stay alive.  Raise my kids.  Nothing else matters. 

My dad is a worker.  That’s who he is.  It defines him.  In the best way…it defines him.  He works.  That’s what he does.  It’s what he has done his whole life.   It’s what he loves to do.  He never worked at our expense.  He always included us.  He always taught us along the way.  He took us beside him and showed us what he was doing and if we were lucky, he would let us do it ourselves.  From milking a cow (I never actually did this - yuck), to stacking hay, to sodering a pipe, to sweeping a floor properly, to changing oil in our cars when we were 16. 

He grew up on a farm in South Olive, Michigan and has always been a farm boy at heart.  There is something that lives inside him to work hard for what he has.  Everything my parents have is because they’ve worked hard and have been conscientious with what they do.  They are kind and generous.   They have never hurt anyone to get what they have. 

I have many memories growing up of him receiving phone calls from neighbors, friends, family members, church members or someone in need a plumbing fix.  You know the perils - the water heater is broken, clogged toilet, overflowing something-or-other, the Mr. Fix-it’s trying to do their own work and now need the advice off a master plumber.   No matter what time of day or season - dinner hour (we always ate dinner as a family), or 9:00 at night in the dead of winter.  He would always go and help.  Not with a grudge.  He wouldn’t stomp his feet out the door shaking his head side-to-side mumbling under his breath.  He would do it with a SMILE.  He was happy to help.  He would say so-and-so needs some hot water or their toilet is clogged and they have company coming for the holidays tomorrow.  Off he would go.  Happy as a clam to do something he loved to do.  Work. 

I have more memories of job sites as a kid than what most kids would.  Genzink Plumbing has employed him well over the years and, if I may be so bold, my dad was a good employee.  I remember spending evenings in the warehouse at Genzink’s while dad would organize random parts from boxes to make the boxes complete again.  I remember going along at night with him to job sites while he worked.  I would pretend the poured concrete walls of the new homes were my balance beams and take my roller skates along to ride on the fresh poured floors.  If we were good and well behaved we would stop at the closest ice cream shop for a cone on the way home.  Yum!

It physically pains me to know that he worked his last hours today at a job he has held very well for many years.   I feel like he did it before he was ready because of me and my cancer/prognosis.  I didn’t want it to be like this.  I wanted it to be on his own terms and on his own time.  When he was ready and when he wanted to.  He deserved that much.  He earned it.

Thank you Russ and Rethea, Ross and Rick and the entire Genzink Family and team for working with my dad.  You have blessed him and our family. 

If you happen to see my dad, give him a hand shake, pat him on the back or give him a hug for what he has done. 

Even though his official days at Genzink’s may be behind him, he has a lot of work left in him and I think he’s saving it for his grandchildren. 

I love you dad.

Last night was hard for me because I realized I could lose brain function from the radiation.  I know I’m not a genius, but I would like to think I’m fairly intelligent and the thought is scary.  I’m also not ready to lose my hair again.  Dr. Edlund said it will come out by the end of my second treatment week (the end of this week).  I thought the days of headscarves, wigs and hats were behind me.  Never say never, right?  Brooklyn prays every night that “mommy doesn’t loose her beautiful hair”.  I just tell her I’m the same person with a whole new look.  I think that’s the toughest part for her.  What six-year-old wants to see their mom without hair….again?! 

Everything is taken care of at home.  Max and Samantha are based out of my parent’s house during the week while Dusty’s working.  Brooklyn stays home with me if she doesn’t have anything on her social calendar for the day. 

Last Saturday I had to talk to Brooklyn about dialing 911.  Since I have six tumors I have a risk for a seizure.  It’s possible that she’ll be home alone with me if I happen to have one.  So I explained that if I start to shake and don’t respond to her that she needs to pick up with the phone and dial 911.  She had typical 6-year-old questions:

1.  Who is going to answer?  Will it be Anna and Riley’s daddy because he’s a police officer, you said?

2.  What do you I need to say?

3.  What if I can’t remember my address?

4.  What will they do to me?

5.  Will I go to jail? 

6.  What are they going to do to you?

Poor kid.  It seems like too much for her to have to know right now.  She’s a great kid, though and the odds are that she will not have to dial 911.  I just want her prepared. 

Thank you to everyone who signed up for the group For the Love of Lindy on Facebook.  http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/group.php?gid=141964462500093&ref=ts

Thank you to everyone who is signed up to participate in the Susan G Komen Race For The Cure on the Laps for Lindy team (see top right)

Please pray for:

My brain function to be protected from the effects of the radiation.

Radiation miraculously takes away all tumors. 

Dusty has been an amazing care taker for me and the kids.  The phone rang at 10:00 a.m. and when I said “hello?”  All I heard was (in a low voice) “take your pill”.  Too funny.  I totally would’ve forgot.  So thanks for those little reminders honey!  Please pray that he doesn’t grow tired of trying to “do it all”. 

Our kids.  They mean the world to us and I want to stay alive and raise them.  Please pray that the little ones will have little or no memory of this and Brooklyn will be able to roll with it.

THANK GOD for all the awesome people he has in our lives.  People who are fundraising for our family, supporting,  praying, visiting, messaging, sending cards, everything.  It means more than you know. 

Thank you Christy Pacanowski for taking our family pictures before my hair fell out again.  You go girl! 

You have been told by an oncologist you have maybe a year to live.  Imagine what you want to do with your life. 

I will take you down my mind’s road as I’ve pondered this for over a week. 

My first thought was to dust off my video camera and start making tapes for my kids (I will probably still do this, I just don’t know where to begin).  What do you say?  How do you convey the most important things you want them to know?  How can you be sure they will be on the right track throughout their lives if you’re not here? 

Another suggestion was to write a small children’s book, just for our kids, to help them understand what mommy is going through. (Thanks to Snapfish, I’ve already started).

Then I started to categorize by the decades in my life.

In my 20’s:

Brooklyn wasn’t born until I was in my late 20’s so I’m sure my thoughts would have been self indulgent and silly.  Like apply for all the credit cards I can, max them out, quit my job, cash in the little money I saved into my 401K, take Dusty and travel the country coast-to-coast or maybe even the world.  Stay in the best hotels.  See all the things I’ve ever wanted to see.  Eat whatever I’ve wanted to eat.  Experience all the things I could experience.  Sky Dive.  Scuba.  Bungee.  Gamble a little.  Get a tattoo.  Buy all the clothes I could’ve ever wanted.  Oh and always come home for the holidays and eat one or two servings of each dessert or maybe the whole pan if it’s my grandma’s oreo ice cream dessert (I have a BIG sweet tooth).

In my 30’s

Brooklyn was born in 2003 so we had a beautiful little girl in our 30’s.  We were running a baby furniture store and things were more serious at this time compared to my 20’s.  Life wasn’t as carefree.  Dusty and I were working really hard at the store and most of it wasn’t fun.  Unfortunately, it was a difficult business to deal with and the economy was slowly tanking.  We loved Brooklyn so much that we knew wanted to have more children.  So by the miracle of invitro fertilization we found out in 2008 we were expecting twins.  The news was quickly overshadowed by severe sickness.  We took our eye off the store and thankfully had great employees to help run it, but it’s not the same when you’re not in it (mentally or physically).   The store began to drag and so did our attitudes.  Had I been given the “years notice” at that time I would’ve immediately thrown in the towel, locked the doors, said “come get us! (fist shaking in the air)” and lived my life with our blossoming family.  But being the hardworking dutch people we are, we couldn’t throw in the towel.  We had to close the best way we could.  In May 2009 we closed the store.  I still would’ve eaten the entire pan of my grandma’s oreo ice cream dessert, but I didn’t know I had a year left. 

Now…

I’m still in my 30’s.  Thirty three to be exact.  It was the end of May 2009 I was told I had breast cancer.  The twins were 7 months old and Brooklyn was five.  We had a young family with lots of help and we got through it.  My cancer was invasive and aggressive.  I went through chemo, double mastectomy, radiation and was looking forward to reconstruction when I was told the cancer metastasized to my brain in the form of six tumors and I have about a year to live.  Now put that in your pipe and smoke it. 

Last Friday, Dusty and I were given that news.  We had conversations I didn’t think we would ever have to have.  Talks about the kids and what’s most important to us for them.  Before this diagnosis we were “getting bored” with our house and started to look for new houses/property to buy.  I was looking forward to reconstruction and at least looking “normal” with clothes on.  Suddenly…nothing mattered.  Nothing mattered.  Not ONE thing.  WHO CARES WHAT OUR HOUSE LOOKS LIKE?  Who cares if I don’t have the ideal bathroom situation for two little girls. 

My only concern is to stay alive.  I have to live.  I am going to raise my children.  I am going to be the best mom I can be for them.  I will be there for them through all the bumps, scrapes, broken hearts, troubles and needs.  I am going to make a difference in this world.  I am going to be the best wife my husband could ask for and the best daughter, sister and friend. 

So given a year doesn’t mean I’m going to dip my toes in each coast of the country or eat an entire pan of my grandma’s oreo ice cream dessert.  I’ll have plenty of time to do that. 

I’m going to do what God would want me to do.  He wants me to live and save souls for Christ! 

Go save some souls!

Next thing I know, I’ve been derailed on an out of control track.  I went to Holland’s ER room for what I thought was a silly headache.  Got a CT scan, was told I have two tumors, was drugged and transferred by Ambulance to Spectrum where I was told the two tumors are actuallly six and I have maybe a year to live.  How did my life go from slowly going back on course to a “new normal” with a body that at least looked “normal” (boobs) to a complete turnaround where death is knocking at my door?!  This isn’t supposed to happen to people right?  Not at 33.  Not when they have three little kids who need a mom. 

My friend Holly sent me some very powerful words lately  I’m so thankful I got them.  I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing them with you:

Just some thoughts for you and some scripture:–  I want to encourage you in your thoughts and words because the bible says that ‘Death and life are in the power of the tongue; and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.’ Proverbs 18:21I always feel that this means it is very important the way we speak…..if God says in his word that death and life are in the power of the tongue then I choose to speak words of life.  I choose to speak life into this situation where doctors are speaking death.  I claim (by Christ’s healing power) that you WILL live, you WILL see your kids grow old, you WILL be healed.  What do we have to lose by speaking life into this situation?  Our tongues are powerful….speak life with it. 

Thank you Holly.  I will begin speaking life today.  All of you need to speak life with me today too.Thank you to Gregg and Monica for taking Brooklyn to the beach yesterday.  She had a great time and slept like a baby when she got home. 

The last week has been incredible.  I can’t believe I’m walking around with brain tumors.  It’s a very scary thought.  I keep wondering when or if I’m going to have a seizure.  What will it be like?  Will I be alone when I have it?  Will Brooklyn see it and will it will scare her?  What do I do if I have one? 

It was so good to see my kids today.  My parents kept the babies for one more night - I am exhausted - and Brooklyn is home with us.  We had a good time tonight.  She wanted to celebrate August so we did arts and crafts to celebrate August.  Why not, right?

Dusty and I voted today (go Bill!) and yes, I got a sticker.  I’m wearing it proudly. 

My main side effect from radiation is EXTREME EXHAUSTION.  I’m not nearly as sick as I was with chemo (PRAISE GOD!).  I just sleep or want to sleep a lot.  I also have a lot of jaw pain and swelling.  My lymph nodes under my ear lobes are swollen, hard and sore.  It’s very uncomfortable.  Thankfully I see Dr. Edlund (radiation oncologist) tomorrow so he can tell me if that’s a normal side effect. 

I don’t have my permanent schedule for radiation so that’s why I haven’t posted a driving schedule.  Hopefully I will know more tomorrow.  Thank you to everyone who has offered to drive me. 

Please pray for:

• The tumors to miraculously disappear. 
• Continued smooth transition into home (away from the comfort of being at the hospital).
• A positive reaction to the radiation.
• Few side effects from the radiation (or at least that they don’t get worse - I can deal with this). 
• Dusty and the kids.  My heart aches for Dusty as he, once again, has to go back into cancer mode less than a year later.  He’s doing awesome and is great with the kids, but this is not what we expected. 
• Our parents.  Please pray for strength, support and encouragement for them.  
• Max and Samantha are still too young to get what’s going on.  They were having so much fun with my parents today which was a huge relief to see.  Running around and laughing.  The best sounds on earth. 

One simple goal listed on the whiteboard in my hosptal room - “Stay Alive”

The reason they’re aren’t sending me home today is because 1.  My radiation treatment was so late in the day and they need to make sure I react well to it (so far, so good) and 2.  They need to make sure my headaches can remain under control at home.  I’m getting mixed signals from the nurses on this.  Some imply that it should go well and other’s seem to question it.  I’ve been assured, however, that I’m going home tomorrow. 

I called my parents to give them an update and see how the kids were doing.  The kids are doing great.  My dad has taken some days off to help my mom with them and Max is following Grandpa around like a proud little cub.  Samantha and Brooklyn are having fun with grandma.  When I talked to Brooklyn tonight she cried.  She said she was afraid we were never coming home.  That was hard to hear.  She’s such a tender soul. 

I have eighteen rounds of radiation to go.  Most of them will be done in Holland, but I do not have a specific time set up for those yet (therefore, no sign up sheet has been created yet). 

Thank you for your advice and tips on where to go for treatment.  I have a nice list going, but after talking with Dr. VanderWoude today, I feel she has my best interests in mind and wants me to go to where I’ll get the best help.  Right now that seems to be Mayo Clinic.  I have the forms filled out for Wings of Mercy and will proceed further with those tomorrow when I go home. 

Thank you for the prayers, kind words and deeds you’ve done for my family.  Please remember that Brooklyn doesn’t know about the time frame that has been given to me, and at this point, we don’t feel it’s necessary to tell her about that.  We would appreciate you use discretion around that too. 

I’ll be in touch tomorrow.  Everyone take care.  Don’t forget to sign up for Laps for Lindy if you want to participate.  Click on “Race For A Cure” on the right hand side of the page. 

God bless you!

I’m still at Spectrum as an inpatient and I have my first radiation treatment today at 4:15.  I don’t know when I’m going home, but I hope it’s tonight. 

Annointing with Oil

Our Pastor and a group of Elders came Saturday evening (7/31/10) to pray with us and also annoint me with oil.  This was so special and a very emotional moment. 

Dr. VanderWoude was able to speak with a doctor at Mayo Clinic yesterday.  He said they just trained two of their best guys for Spectrum so there is no need for me to get the radiation done there.  They will, however, want to see me in about six to eight weeks to see how I responded to the full brain radiation.  We may proceed differently from that point on.  So it won’t be until mid to late September that I’ll go to Mayo Clinic. 

I’m going to have a HUGE adjustment because until they know how I’ll respond to radiation they advised me not to drive.  I’m at risk of having seizures because of the location of the tumors.  So to keep me, my family and other people safe on the road I will not be driving.  However, this becomes a logistical problem for getting to and from radiation treatments, doctor’s appointments, running errands, etc. 

I will have a driving sign up list on my blog once I have my appointments figured out.  If you are willing to drive me around, please go to the list and sign up.  Thank you!

Dusty went home this afternoon to spend some time with the kids and take Brooklyn to church tonight.  I think some of the service will be a prayer time for me and my family.  I’m humbled, honored and so happy for this.  I know that prayer works and the more prayers, the better.  I think God has heard my name a lot lately.  So if you want to join your brothers and sisters in Christ at Haven they would love to have you.  It’s in Zeeland on Alice street - www.havenchurch.org.  Jill is coming here with her laptop so we plan on tuning into the service via the internet.  Thank God for technology!

My brother and Jill have started the Laps for Lindy team again for the Susan G Komen Race For The Cure.  If you want to participate by running, walking or crawling, please go to http://race.komengr.org/site/TR/Race/General?team_id=4800&pg=team&fr_id=1040 For more information about the team.  To see the general website or sign up to participate or donate is: http://race.komengr.org/site/TR?pg=entry&fr_id=1040&cvridirect=true

Also, a great friend of mine from highschool, Kara VandenBerg has started For the Love of Lindy Facebook page.  You can join it or check it out here:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=141964462500093&ref=search

Thank you for the incredible outpouring of love.  We’ve had so many people come here and pray with us.  I was even annointed with oil last night.  That was amazing.  Thank you to all of our family and friends.  You mean so much to me. God bless you. 

I was getting groceries at Meijer.  I went through the baby section to buy diapers and essentials.  Typically when I leave that section I go into the main aisle and continue to the pop, butter and yogurt section and weave my way to the front of the store.  This time, however, I didn’t go to the main aisle.  Instead I turned my cart around and found myself in the housewares department by all the kitchen gadgets (spatulas, measuring cups, etc).  When I realized where I was I bolted down the nearest aisle to move along with my groceries (time is of the essence).  The aisle I was cutting through was the cake decorating aisle and muffin cups caught my eye.   Plain white muffin cups.  I wasn’t planning on making cupcakes or muffins or had ever wondered where plain white muffin cups might be, but there I was staring at them nonetheless. 

I shook my head and moved on to getting groceries.  A few aisles into it I was looking for the semi sweet chocolate chips and I saw a woman bent down looking at something on the bottom shelf.  I heard a younger voice behind me say “no those aren’t the ones I was thinking of.  I know I got muffin cups somewhere here before, but I don’t remember where”.  So I turned to tell her how I just saw plain white muffin cups in the cake decorating aisle, which at this point, was right across from where we were standing.  As I turned to face her I noticed she was wearing a scarf on her head.  I don’t remember my exact words, because they just started falling out of my mouth, but I said something to the effect of “how are you doing”.  She looked at me like I was on another planet.  I said “I see you’re wearing a scarf.  I assume you have cancer?  Is it breast cancer?”  She confirmed it was and continued to stare at me like I was crazy.  She let her guard down as soon as I told her I had breast cancer and beat it last November.  We started talking, her mom started tearing up.  It turns out that we both have/had the same rare type of breast cancer - triple negative.  She had some questions and I answered them to the best of my ability.  I remember getting groceries during chemo and how it was a battle to do it so I told her I would let her get going, but that I wanted to encourage her and to let her know that she can do this and she looked good (despite how she felt).  

I walked away and as I continued getting my groceries I knew that moment could only have come from God.  There is no way I would have just started talking to someone I’ve never met with a scarf on her head.  Someone told me to reach out to her that day and I did.  I’m glad I did too, because by the power of Facebook it turns out she knows someone I know and now she and I are in a small little support group we started (I missed our first meeting because of my pesky brain tumors). I can’t wait to get to know her and the other girls in our little group a little better. 

There are no coincidences in life.  Especially with muffin cups.

Just as we were going to bed, Dr. Hoberman called our room phone.  She spoke with Dr. Song (reconstructive plastic surgeon in Chicago) who happened to be on vacation, but was very happy to talk to her about me.  Dr. Hoberman is going to place some calls today to see what she can find out about alternative treatment at a bigger hospital or the Mayo Clinic.  Dr. VanderWoude is coming back in today (I’ts her weekend to work) and we are going to talk more about getting me to Mayo Clinic on Monday.  Does anyone have a private pilot’s license and feel like taking a trip to Mayo? 

Dusty and I are devastated.  We are beside ourselves upset with this news and don’t know how to process it.  I believe in the prayers that are being said.  We feel a peace at times that we know only could come from God. 

Please pray that we are led in the right direction for treatment.

Please pray that as Dusty and I look to the year ahead we will have two different outcomes so pray for him as he is the one left behind to be with our kids.  To raise them. Love them. Clothes them. Feed them.  Be a mom to them.

It breaks our hearts.

We need your help so if you know of alternative places such as mayo or chicago that do extensive/miraculous work with multiple brain tumors we would appreciate the information.

God Bless

The PA from Dr. VanderWoude’s office came about an hour ago and said it’s Stage IV cancer and the prognosis isn’t good. 

We still have to meet with the Radiation Oncology Team. 

My bone scan is scheduled at 3 p.m. 

I’m terrified.  I cannot bear the thought of leaving my kids without a mom.  I know I shouldn’t go there yet because we don’t know the exact prognosis, but that’s where my mind goes.  They’re too little.  I have to raise them.  I’m their mom.  I want to be there for them.  This is a horrible thing to have to process.

Please pray for:

Results of my bone scan to be cancer free.

Peace and God’s prescence, love and comfort in our lives.  I want to hear his voice.

Our kids.  Brooklyn is only six, Max and Samantha are 1 1/2 years old.  Even if the prognosis were good, this still isn’t fair to them to have their mom away from them. 

Our parents.  They are our rock for our family.  Please pray for strength, peace, endurance and energy to keep up with our kids (my parents are taking care of them right now).

My friends.  I have great friends and Jill has been with me every step of the way.  She’s even here right now. 

Pray that we will not grow weary.  I HAVE to beat this.  It’s not a choice.  God is the great physician and can work miracles. PRAY FOR A MIRACLE!

Please pray we caught the tumors early and that the cancer hasn’t spread. Pray for Dusty, the kids and my parents. Pray that I can beat this cancer too.

We will update again after the tests are done and we meet with the neurosurgeon.

I try to think of every possible scenario and find a solution to it.  What if Dr. Song finds he can’t do the DIEP procedure because of my crash c-section?  How long will the surgery take?  What’s recovery going to be like?  Since I can’t lift for six weeks, what about my kids?  Will I be able to walk Brooklyn to her first day of school?  Will I be able to do laundry?  Will I be able to get groceries?  If I can’t stand straight up, how will I sleep?  How will I take a shower? 

Here are my solutions:  Dr. Song won’t know until he opens me up whether I have damage from the crash c-section.  There is a 90% chance that he will be able to do the procedure despite my medical history.  The surgery takes roughly eight hours.  I’ll spend about three days in the ICU.  Recovery is about six weeks.  I won’t be able to stand up straight or lay flat for two weeks.  I can’t lift for six.  I have childcare lined up for Max and Samantha - thank you mom, Jill and Kathy!  I am making freezer meals so my family can eat.  Since I missed Brooklyn’s first day of kindergarten last year, I will be there on her first day of school this year even if I have to crawl.  The laundry and groceries will get done and I’ll sleep in a recliner.  I still can’t stop my need for controlling things!

Information on Dr. Song

Information on the DIEP procedure

I am going to Chicago on Monday to meet with Dr. Song for my pre-op appointment and to meet with Anesthesia Department.  I’m making the most of it by taking Brooklyn, Jill and Avery along.  We’re going to the Shedd Aquarium when I’m done.  Fun!

I would like to think that cancer doesn’t exist now that I’ve beat it.  It’s still out there and still attacking young women/moms!  I’ve met a new friend at the end of my cancer last year who was just diagnosed at the time (hi Amy!).  I’ve been in contact with Lynette Bell who I know many of you are friends with or have heard of.  I met another young mom in Meijer a few weeks ago (hi Heather) who is going through the same treatment as I went through last summer.  How I met Heather is amazing and only something God could do.  Since this post is quite long I will blog about that meeting another time.  So now I follow their blogs and pray for them the same way people prayed for me.

Pucker up!

Things have been going well with my health lately.  My energy is back to normal and I feel like a regular mom with three little kids.  My range of motion on my right side has improved and with continued physical therapy I hope it gets back to the way it was.  I am anxiously anticipating surgery on August 24 at the University of Chicago.  Foobs here I come!

Another good thing is that Samantha was seen by Early On last week Thursday and they are done following her!  Diane from Early On has been following her since she was born to make sure she meets/exceeds her milestones and to watch for signs from her birth trauma - developmental delays, cerebral palsy, etc.  She has been on point this entire time and continues to be our little miracle. 

Brooklyn just completed Kindergarten and is looking forward to summer despite missing all her kindergarten friends. 

The Bad

Dusty’s mom has been at Hospice House for over a week now.  She is dying.  It’s an awful process to watch someone go through.  She is so weak and weighs only 70 pounds.  Please pray for her, Dale (Dusty’s dad) and the family.  Pray that she’ll have peace and be comfortable. 

The Ugly

Ugly…I don’t know what’s ugly, but I felt like it goes with the good and the bad so I had to include it.  If I had to pick something ugly I would say my hair.  It confuses me.  It challenges me.  It makes me laugh.  I don’t know what to do with it.  It’s super curly and thick.  It’s high maintenance.  I haven’t had a hair cut in over a year and I can start to see the beginning signs of a mullet forming so I think a little trim in the back might help (I’m coming Jenny!). 

It was a year ago on June 3 that I had my first chemo treatment.  I don’t ever want to experience a summer like the summer of 2009 again.  I’ll never be the same because of it - physically, emotionally and mentally.  As I like to say - it is what it is.  I’m glad it’s over and I’m looking forward to this summer. 

I’ll see you around…

We are anticipating the first reconstructive surgery at the University of Chicago Hospital, scheduled for the end of August.  This Memorial Day weekend marks the one year anniversary of the cancer diagnosis-it’s hard to believe it’s only been a year.  In many ways it feels like it’s been five.

Tahquamenon Falls State Park

Making a Wish in St. Ignace (Straits State Park)

Mackinac Island

Hanging out at the Cabin

Taking a walk with Dad

I’ll get the health stuff out of the way first: 

I had my blood rechecked on Monday and everything looks good!  Praise God.  My hemoglobin was 12-point-something and my electrolytes are normal.  That is a huge relief yet a little frustrating because I’m still pretty tired.  My energy level is not where I want it to be.  I liked it when I could blame my lack of energy on my anemia.  Hopefully I’ll be back to normal soon because I envision a lot of walks, bike rides and fun activities with the kids this summer. 

I’m returning to physical therapy tomorrow because I’m losing a little mobility on my right side.  It’s painful to lift my right arm all the way up.  As a matter of fact, I can get it to a certain point and it won’t go any higher.  Very strange feeling, but I think with the proper therapy I’ll be back to normal again.

Even though I promised myself I wouldn’t think about reconstruction and enjoy the summer, my mind has been drifting towards August when I have the reconstructive surgery scheduled (August 10) at the University of Chicago with Dr. Song.  I’m second guessing my decision (the procedure, the surgeon, the facility, etc).  I guess that’s normal, because it’s a big deal, but I just want what is best for me and my family.   

Max and Samantha are now 18 months old and they keep me running.  They are everywhere and into everything.  It’s been fun to watch their personalities develop.  Max is a chill little dude and Samantha is very strong willed and knows what she wants when she wants it.  They crack us up with the faces they pull, little smiles and ways of talking. 

Brooklyn is nearing the end of her kindergarten year.  She recently learned how to ride a two-wheeler and we bought her a new bike.  She’s so excited for “sprinkler weather”. 

Dusty is doing great.  He has a new assignment at work that is keeping him on his toes, but he seems to be enjoying it. 

For your viewing pleasure: 

Dusty, Samantha and Brooklyn going to Frederick Meijer Gardens

Max enjoying the first nice day of the year:

Samantha loves climbing and is always on the move

Brooklyn and her friend Avery playing in the creek behind our house

Samantha and Max inspecting the lion

Brooke and Avery at the GR Museum

I had a blood draw last week and saw Dr. VanderWoude (oncologist) on Tuesday of this week.  Overall, things look good (praise God).  My hemoglobin is still low at a 10, but it’s better than where I was a month ago which was 9.  Normal is 12-16.  My white blood cell count is low, but not low enough to concern the doctor.  This means that I’m tired (hemoglobin) and that I’m more susceptible to illness (white blood cells) so I need to take extra precautions with washing my hands and staying away from  people with illnesses. 

My every day life is going good, all things considered.  My mom helps me tremendously with Max, Samantha and Brooklyn because I get tired so quickly.   Other than that, things are good.

This past summer when I was going through chemo I would sit in my anti-gravity chair on the front porch.  It was the most comfortable and the fresh air helped.  I was dead tired, sick and fighting like a champion to beat the cancer.  I would see people walk, run, rollerblade or bike past the house and I couldn’t wait to do that again.  I dreamt of the day when I could take my kids for a long walk to the park.  Then while going through radiation I read an article in the Holland Sentinel about climbing the steps of Mt. Pisgah in Holland.  That was my new goal.  As soon as I had enough energy I was going to climb the 239 (I think) steps to the top.  A few weeks ago Brooklyn and I did it.  It was so fun.  I climbed a mountain.  I don’t know if it’s technically a mountain, but it’s called Mt. Pisgah so I’m going with it. 

Here is me and Brooklyn at the top:

Prepare to have your mind blown.  As you know Dusty is the computer/techy guy in our family.  He set up this blog for me and occasionally checks the stats of the blog.  This past summer when I was going through chemo and blogging about my pathetic journey, I had a total of 16,000 unique hits.  That’s a one, six and three zeros people!  I don’t know 16,000 people.  I’m not sharing this with you to massage my ego.  The thought that quickly occured to me was all the comments that I received from you were probably read as well.  Your comments were encouraging and many of them talked about God, quoted scripture or verses of songs.  Just imagine the amount of people you may have reached by your comments.  Amazing.

That’s all for now.  It’s been great seeing so many of you again.  Thank you for your prayers.  Please pray that I will continue to get my energy back and that my blood levels return to normal. 

I was approached a few months back to join the Board of Directors for Compassionate Heart Ministry in Zeeland.   For those that don’t know about Compassionate Heart, it’s a special place where teens and young adults with disabilities can go to socialize, hang out and just enjoy each other in a loving, Christian environment.  Located in City on A Hill, Compassionate Heart serves a part of society that many treat as outcasts.  Cool things happen there. 
Watch the video to learn more. 

Here’s where I appeal for your help.  Lindy and I have seen your awesome generosity and spirit—we’d love to have you rally behind this cause.   On April 20, 2010, Compassionate Heart will hold its only fundraising event “Friends of the Heart” at Faith Reformed Church in Zeeland.  Come, we’ll eat a great dinner together, meet some of the kids/parents, and listen to Chris Klein—someone with a personal story that won’t leave a dry eye in the house.    Your tax deductible donation for the dinner will go 100% towards Compassionate Heart. 

If you can’t make the dinner but want to help in another way, use the form as well.  We’ll get in touch with you.  Thank you so much for making a difference to our youth at Compassionate Heart.

I would pack up the kids, bring them to my parent’s house and go to radiation.

This is LAROC (Lakeshore Area Radiation Oncology Center).  It’s the building where I get radiation done.  There are no bad smells in the building.  It’s not “clinical”.  It’s very zen.  There are water features and soothing music throughout the building.  Oh and carpet.  Not hard vinyl tile floor like a hospital. 

Everyday I would walk in the sliding doors, proceed through the regular waiting room and go to the special waiting room.  I named it special because it’s where people like me wait to get radiated (or what Dusty likes to call radiant).  Then one of the radiation techs calls me back to a room that is built like a vault.  It has a thick steel door and the walls are 4-6′ thick. 

Here are the wonderful radiation techs who I see every day.  Marie, Karen, A GVSU Student and Linda.  Bob works there too, but he must have been at lunch.  My appointments are always over their lunch shift. 

This is the table that I lay on to have radiation.  My arms go in the red stirrups and the triangular pillow goes under my knees.

Once I’m on the table, the techs get me situated perfectly so I don’t get accidentally radiated in other body parts.  When I’m right where they want me, I cannot move an inch.  They leave me alone in the room and go to their hub.  Their hub has four computer screens and a closed circuit television to watch me on.  Once they’re ready, the machine moves around me and I get radiated in five different areas.

Then they send me on my merry way.  Although today they gave me a certificate and a coffee mug. 

Today was my last day of all cancer treatments!  No more chemo.  No more radiation.  Nothing.  I feel like I should run through one of those finish line tapes that you see at the end of a race.  If I see one today I’m going to run through it pumping my fists in the air.  It feels awesome to be done.  Absolutely wonderful.  I can’t put into words how thankful I am to be done with treatment and most of all to be cancer free!

From this point forward I have routine check ups with my oncologist every three months where they check my blood and make sure my numbers are good.  I’ll keep my blog updated when I get any news, but from now on, I won’t be writing much.  

So many of you held my hand through my treatments and I will be forever thankful for you.  I couldn’t have done it without the healing hand and grace of our great savior and God or without his wonderful people.  Thank you for walking with us on our journey.  God Bless.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” 

-Jeremiah 11

I saw Dr. Edlund today (radiation oncologist) and he said my skin reaction is appropriate and that I shouldn’t have any problems from here.  Since Tuesdays are the day I see the doctor, they gave me discharge instructions.  I couldn’t believe I was being discharged.  Another surreal feeling.  The good news is that the fatigue should last for only two weeks after my last radiation treatment.  I can’t wait to have full energy back.  Maybe I’ll run a marathon or something…

Dusty and I went to Chicago to meet with Dr. Song (reconstructive plastic surgeon) yesterday.  I was presented with three options here in Holland - implants, lat flap and TRAM flap.  Plastic surgeons don’t like the idea of doing just implants when skin has been radiated because the results won’t look good.  The other two options take my muscles and I wasn’t happy about that.  Dr. Song performs the DIEP flap which we thought was newer, but upon talking with his nurse they’ve been doing it for 16 years!  I felt like a hill billy asking about that new fangled operation where they use electronical gadgets to reconnect my blood vessels.  I’m glad we made the small trip because Dr. Song gave me more options than I thought possible.  All of which don’t include taking muscles.  His final recommendation is probably what I’ll go with, but there is one other option that I want to look into as well.  The surgery can’t happen for six more months.  I have time to think about it.

So that’s it in a nutshell.  I could write a small novel about my reconstructive options, but I’ll spare you. 

Have a great day! 

I have six more radiation treatments to go!  Yahoo!  My skin is now purplish/reddish and peeling.  It looks disgusting and hurts worse than last week, but I can endure it.  I only have 1 1/2 weeks left!

Dusty and I are going to Chicago next week to meet with Dr. Song.  He’s at the University of Chicago and he does the latest reconstruction procedure called DIEP.  I’m researching that this week and arming myself with an arsenal of questions for him. 

The kids are great.  Max and Samantha are walking everywhere.  They’re so cute when they walk around the room together.  They’re a little unsteady on their feet so when they walk together they look like a little old couple.  It’s the best. 

Let me tell you something you’ve all heard before:  Don’t take anything for granted.  Even the smallest things.  For instance, hugs from your loved ones or holding your little ones.  Through chemo (bone pain) and now radiation (skin pain) I’ve learned that even a simple hug is wonderful and shouldn’t be taken for granted.  Other things not to take for granted:

Eating, hair on your head, eyelashes, driving, reading, thought processing, memory, clapping, going for walks, running, riding a bike, playing with your kids, health, cooking and the list could go on and on… 

I don’t take any of it for granted.   

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  James 1:2-3

 

Today is my 33rd birthday.  Yea!  I usually don’t care about my birthdays too much, but this birthday is a little sweeter than most.  I’m so happy that I’m doing as well as I am.  Thank you for your prayers.  God has heard them all and has blessed me with renewed health and strength.  Thank you! 

One of the good things that came from my cancer is that I’ve been in contact with so many people who I haven’t seen or spoken with in years!  It has been so fun to catch up with everyone. 

I’ve been rocking my new short hair do and have had many compliments (thank you).  I washed my wigs and put them in storage and  I gave my head scarves to another girl (Hi Amy) going through cancer.  It felt so good to get rid of those things. 

I think I’m down to ten more radiation treatments.  The end is definitely in sight.  I can’t wait to be finished with everything and give my skin time to heal. 

Have a great day everyone! 

God Bless

It’s strange to be able to visually see where I’m being radiated.  It really is a large area.  It reminds me how big the tumor was and how serious the cancer was.  I love saying “was”.  I don’t have cancer anymore!   

I’m done with physical therapy.  I have exercises I need to do daily or I feel the muscle tightening up and I lose range of motion on my right side.  I’m glad to be done with that.  It’s one less appointment to go to. 

My hair is growing back and I’m just about ready to rock my short hair do.  I’ve been wearing my wigs yet because I’m not a short hair kind of girl, but I’m ready to have nothing on my head. 

The kids and Dusty are doing great.  Samantha is walking all over the place and Max is close on her heels, but he still reverts to crawling when he’s in a hurry.  Brooklyn is doing great and loves school.  Dusty is doing well and is having fun  updating websites that he created and maintains - Haven church and Compassionate Heart. 

I would also like to say I’m glad 2009 is gone.  Behind us.  In the past.  Never to return again.  Bring on 2010! 

Thank you for your prayers and support.  They mean so much to us.  It’s so good to be out and about again - back to church, hanging out with family and friends, running errands, etc. 

I’m starting to get a skin reaction to the radiation.  It looks like a sunburn and hurts just a little bit.  Not enough to complain about.  My skin is a little numb from the surgery which I think is a blessing.  Otherwise I’m sure I would have more discomfort than what I do right now. 

The muscles on my right side are still tight, but I’m almost back to full motion thanks to the exercises from physical therapy.

Aside from the fatigue, life is slowly returning to normal.  I have 20 more radiation treatments to go and then a six month reprieve until reconstructive surgery.  I look forward to the hiatus.     

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” - Isaiah 9:6

Merry Christmas

Yesterday was a chaotic day.  Dusty and I started coming down with colds Monday night so neither of us felt good yesterday morning.  Brooklyn woke up with a fever and wasn’t feeling well so she was laying on the couch.  Dusty was drinking coffee and Samantha and I were sitting in the living room too (Max was still sleeping - it was 7 a.m.).  Without warning, Brooklyn vomitted all over the couch.  I must say that Dusty’s response time has improved greatly compared to a month ago.  Kudos Dusty!  While he was getting her to the bathroom I started cleaning up the couch and surrounding area.  In the chaos of the moment, Dusty didn’t pay attention to where he put his coffee.  Samantha decided that Dusty’s full cup of coffee looked pretty neat so she thought she would spill it all over the floor.  Not in one spot - that would make it easier to clean.  She made a drizzle pattern with big blotches on the carpet.  I’m still trying to get it out.  Fortunately she didn’t burn herself.  Does anyone have tips for getting coffee stains out of carpet?  I’ve tried the Bissell stain remover machine.  Hot Shot or Hot Spot (I can’t remember what it’s called).  I even went to GoodHousekeeping.com and used the Heloise Helpful tip of dish soap and vinegar mixed with water.  Not a helpful tip.  Nothing is getting it out.   

We were hoping Brooklyn would wake up today feeling great, but that wasn’t the case.  She’s a little better and will hopefully be back to her bubbly self tomorrow.  We have two Christmas parties tomorrow.  We missed Thanksgiving with the VerBeek’s because the kids were sick.  We aren’t going to miss Christmas too.        

Radiation is going well.  Aside from being extremely tired and fighting a cold/flu bug, I haven’t had any other side effects (no skin reaction!).  They did warn me that I’m very susceptible to catching illnesses right now so I should be more diligent with the hand sanitizer. 

Max and Samantha both have coughs and runny noses.  Max is getting two molars.  Other than that, they’re doing great. 

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.  As Brooklyn likes to say - Happy Birthday Jesus! 

My emotion for radiation is anger.  I find myself getting very angry.  I’m laying on a table in the middle of a big room completely exposed with my feet banded together, my arms in stirrups above my head and a machine going around me zapping my insides.  I’m not sure where the anger comes in, but that’s how I feel when I’m laying there for my five minute zap.  Maybe it’s because I’m cancer free and yet this is another treatment with more side effects to deal with.  All I know is that it’s not self pity.  It’s anger.  The pity comes later when I’m so tired that changing another diaper feels like climbing a mountain. 

The only lasting side effect I have from chemo is forgetfulness. 

The lasting side effect from surgery is loss of motion in my right arm, but that’s working out with physical therapy which I go to once a week. 

On a positive note we went to Haven’s Christmas Program Sunday night and it was awesome.   All the kids did a great job, but we’re especially proud of Brooklyn.  I will have to get Dusty to post a video from last year’s program compared to this year’s program.  Last year she refused to sing.  She would make eye contact with us in the audience, cross her arms and whip her head to the side with her chin up as a non verbal sign that we can’t make her sing.  This year we used threats and guilt to make her sing.  Dusty threatened no Christmas presents (okay I thought that was extreme) and I said she is singing for Jesus because we’re celebrating his birthday and he wants to see and hear her sing.  She performed like a Broadway star.  Motions…singing…it was beautiful. 

The other good news is that I can lift Max and Samantha again.  They have started to take some steps by themselves without holding on to anything.  They’ll be walking in no time.  It will be a Christmas miracle for Samantha.  Especially when I look back to last year and her being able to walk was at the bottom of our list of worries for her. 

I can’t believe it’s going to be Christmas next week.  I cheated this year and bought Christmas tree cookies from Meijer.  The energy I do have I want to spend with my kids, so if you’re a recipient of one of those cookies I apologize. :)

First stop of the day was Dr. Hoberman who is happy with my healing. 

Second stop was the Radiation Center.  The “dry run” went well.  The only bummer is that I’m having radiation with bolus every other day.  The bolus is something that looks like a large gel pack that they place on my chest while I’m getting radiated.  It allows a higher dose of radiation to the area.  They want to do that because the tumor was so close to my chest wall and that is where the greatest chance of recurrence is.  The downside of the bolus is that it increases the severity of skin reaction.  I’m praying for minimal side effects.  

My last stop of the day was Dr. Gootjes and she is happy with my recovery as well. 

So all in all it was a good day.  I was thankful that we didn’t get a lot of snow so driving wasn’t treacherous.   

Speaking of treacherous driving, my first radiation treatment was today.  I made it there safely and on time.  Six and a half weeks to go.  The treatment is painless which is a big a relief.   

I am so tired.  So so so tired.  Time for a nap. 

I’ll have radiation from my axillary (armpit) to my right chest and then to my clavicular area.  It’s kind of a triangle pattern.  They put some markings on me, took a CT scan and then I was tattooed with three teeny tiny dots to help them allign the lasers.  One on each side and one in the middle of the my chest.  They look like freckles. 

Wednesday is going to be a marathon doctor appointment day.  I see Dr. Hoberman (mastectomy surgeon) in the morning for my follow-up, Dr. Edlund (Radiation Oncologist) in the late morning I don’t remember what for and Dr. Gootjes (hysterectomy surgeon) in the afternoon for my follow-up.  I begin radiation on Thursday.  I’ll have it every day - Monday through Friday for 6 to 6 1/2 weeks.  Thankfully it’s in Holland so I won’t have to travel far. 

Dr. Edlund said I will have a reaction to radiation, but he cannot tell me how bad it will be.  It has nothing to do with how you tolerate the sun.  If you’re someone who burns easily it doesn’t mean you’re going to burn with radiation.   It’s a wait and see thing. 

The weight thing is going okay.  I was so proud of myself because I had a protein bar and yogurt for lunch.  Then Brooklyn came home from  a sleep over with a HUGE plate of cookies they made.  C’mon!  Seriously?  You know I had to have one or two.   Afterall, Brooklyn made them.  It would be insulting to her and could scar her forever if I didn’t try them.  They’re delicious.   

Thank you Nicole and friends for your kind and generous gifts.  Thank you to everyone for your prayers. 

It’s so good to know that I’m cancer free.  While it’s a huge relief, it’s still hard because treatment isn’t done.  Head down.  Keep plowing forward.  It is what it is.  To steal a phrase from Amy Harper (a co-worker of Jill’s who just found she has breast cancer) I’m gonna fight like a girl.  

My kids are healthy again.  Yippeeee!!! 

I have gained 35 pounds.  Now I know weight gain is something not all people talk about, admit or acknowledge.  I have the biggest sweet tooth and no will power.  We’ve received a lot of cookies, cakes, bars, brownies and breads.  You know when people take a bite of a bar or brownie and say “oh boy that is too sweet”.  I always think they’re crazy and I could eat the whole pan.  You know what people say to me?  They say I look great.  I feel like you could have floated me down fifth avenue during the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade.  I changed clothes three times for church Sunday morning because nothing fit comfortably.  Do you know what I wore?  I wore the skirt that I wore to the baptism after I had TWINS!  Can’t wait to get the “go ahead” from Dr. Gootjes to start really exercising and lifting things again. 

I have one friend who will acknowledge my weight gain and laugh with me about it.  The other day she picked me up to go to the doctor and I was walking out the door with a huge piece of chocolate cake someone made us (thanks Holly - delicious).  She looked at the cake and then at me and said “what’s that for?” I said “It’s for when I need a snack.   I have a fork in my purse.”  Honestly it was for her husband.  He likes chocolate cake so I thought I would share a piece with him. 

So I could keep writing about my 35 pound weight gain or start losing it and I’m going to lose it.  Wish me will power. 

I see Dr. Edlund on Thursday about radiation.  Maybe a side effect of it will be loss of appetite.  That would be handy.  

The kids are finally turning the corner and feeling better.  So much, in fact, that my parents watched them today so Dusty and I could go out and shop.  We went to Target and then got rear ended.  That’s right rear ended.  The first time we’ve been out together in weeks and we got in an accident.  Thankfully no one was hurt.  While we were waiting for the police to arrive we had time to reflect on our lives.  All we could do was laugh.  It is what it is. 

Dusty and I came home and were humbled and I was brought to tears over the card and generosity we received from a group at Herman Miller.  Thank you so much.  That was unexpected and incredibly kind.

I’m feeling better.  I’ve been doing my arm exercises and the pain and range of motion is improving in both arms.  For some reason I cannot stand anything touching my skin where I was operated on.  I don’t know what that is or why.  Maybe it’s the nerves coming back to life?  If anyone knows what that is or what makes it more tolerable I would love to hear from you. 

P.S.  Did you know Target sells a 3lb bag of Wint-O-Green Lifesavers?  That made my day.  I love them and ate them while we waited for the police. 

Jill and I saw Dr. VanderWoude today and she is very happy with my pathology report and the way I’ve progressed.  We gathered that she was surprised by how well I responded to chemo and surgery and she didn’t expect me to do as well as what I have.  She commented that by the size of my tumor she didn’t expect all my lymph nodes to come back clear.  God still works miracles.  It’s great to be cancer free. 

I start physical therapy next week for my arm and see Dr. Edlund (radiation guy) to get the game plan going.  I think I’m getting my tattoos.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving!

Brooklyn is fighting a fever and the flu.  Max and Samantha both have coughs.  Dusty is doing great being super dad - he should have a cape.  You should’ve seen him last night.  He doesn’t do well with vomit and Brooklyn was vomitting.  I’m usually the one who deals with it, but he didn’t have a choice.  He looked like a deer in headlights at first.  Thankfully Brooklyn knew to use the puke bowl and Dusty quickly snapped out of it and got her to the bathroom.  He goes back to work on Monday (I bet he can’t wait!). 

I can’t believe it’s going to be Thanksgiving next week!  I see Dr. VanderWoude (oncologist) next week so I will probably find out when radiation will begin.  I’ll let you know how that goes. 

Thank you for your prayers, cards and emails.  I will never tire of receiving them.  I still run to the computer like Christmas morning whenever I do a post.  I know it’s silly, but hey I don’t get a lot of thrills right now. 

Max and Samantha came home Saturday night.  It was good to have all the kids home again, but very stressful.  They were tired and very insecure.  They wanted to be held all the time.  They didn’t want anyone out of their sight.  Sunday was spent with a lot of tears.  Poor little kids. 

Samantha spent the day at Jill’s house today.  It looked like they had fun together:

We just got back from Dr. Hoberman and praise God I am cancer free.  She removed eight lymph nodes last Thursday and none of them had cancer.  They found no cancer from the left breast and removed stage zero DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ) cancer on the right side.  Amazing.  Relieving.  Thank God. 

Not only that, but all three drains were removed.  It didn’t hurt too bad pulling them out.  It was uncomfortable.  I feel like a free woman.  Free from cancer and free from those annoying, gross drains. 

Last May, just six months ago, I had a large tumor and aggressive cancer.  I spent a suffering summer doing a dose dense version of chemo and today I was told I’m cancer free.  We did it!  I say we because I was not alone.  I was cheered on and pulled through by my family and friends.  This is proof that God hears and answers our prayers.  Believe it.  I am blessed to have a God loving family and friends. 

Another bonus:  My hair, eyelashes and eyebrows are growing back! 

Have a wonderful sunny day.  My goal for the day is to walk a couple houses down and back again.  I think I can…I think I can…I think I can….

I’m feel the same as yesterday.  Nothing has changed.  I hope the drains can be removed.  I’m also nervous that we haven’t heard anything about the pathology reports.  I hope the old adage is true - no news is good news. 

It’s still hard for me to look at myself.  When I bathe, change bandages or empty my drains, I emotionally remove myself, get the job done, and then sit on my bed and cry.  Nothing can prepare a person for this.  I’ve thought about this surgery all summer.  I’ve seen pictures of what it will look like.  I understood it was going to happen to me and why.  Actually seeing it on me is another thing.  It makes me sad, turns my stomach and makes me angry all at the same time.  I don’t see myself when I look in the mirror.    

I miss Max and Samantha.  I’ve seen Max a couple times and he wants me to pick him up and doesn’t understand why I can’t.  It breaks my heart.  Brooklyn is doing great.     

I go to Dr. Hoberman on Wednesday.  She thinks we’ll be able to remove the drains (yippee!) and we should have the pathology reports by then.  I will not miss the drains.  They are so gross and uncomfortable. 

Samantha is going to see Dr. Burdo-Hartman tomorrow (Dusty will be looking for you Barb!).  She’s the specialist Samantha sees from her birth trauma a year ago.  Please pray for another good visit without any disappointing news.  She’s a true miracle.  

We arrived at the hospital Thursday at 1 p.m.  We were immediately brought back to the surgery area and there was a card sitting on my bed.  It was nice to be greeted in such a scary place by a nice card.  We met with Dr. Gootjes and Dr. Hoberman before the surgery began.  They went over what they were going to do and answered questions.  Dr. Hoberman prayed with us.  I was also able to see my parents before going in.  It was comforting to know there are people who love me waiting for me. 

The next thing I remember was being in my room on the third floor.  I expected to be out of surgery around 6:00.  I was shocked to see 10:00 on the clock on the wall.  I remember talking to Dusty, my parents and Jill.  Next thing I knew I was alone.  It was a long night.  I woke up every hour, sometimes twice.  I was very uncomfortable, but the nurses did a good job minimizing my pain.   

Friday was an okay day.  It was a blur.  I was happy to see Dusty in a clearer state of mind and was relieved to hear the surgeries went well and were considered successful.  We haven’t received the pathology reports from the lymph nodes yet.  The surgery took longer than expected because there was so much scar tissue in my armpit from the sentinel node biopsy I had done in June.  She wanted to take her time and minimize any nerve damage.  She is an excellent surgeon.   

I was able to come home yesterday (Saturday).  I was ready to come home.  It’s hard to get rest in the hospital.  I brought ear plugs and an eye mask to the hospital.  That helped tremendously and I highly recommend ear plugs to anyone who wants to get some rest in the hospital.  I think they should sell them in the vending machines.  :) 

Before sending us home they gave us discharge instructions and taught me how to empty my drains.  I have three drains.  One on my left side and two on my right.  They don’t hurt unless they get caught on something and are mainly just a nuisance.  Emptying them is gross and turns my stomach a little, but it has to be done.  I have a camisole I bought at St. Mary’s before the surgery which has built in pockets for the drains.  I’m so happy I have it.  It’s very comfortable. 

Overall I feel much better than what I thought I would.  I’m staying on top of the pain with the medications.  I’m able to move pretty well.  It’s more of an emotional struggle than a physical one.  I don’t want to look at myself.  I feel like I look like an alien.  It will take some getting used to.  I’m glad it’s temporary. 

Dusty is taking excellent care of me.  We have a bed set up on the main floor in the office so I don’t have to go up and down the stairs.  We bought walkie talkies for Brooklyn last Christmas and those are coming in handy.  We used them in the middle of the night so Dusty could come down and help me out of bed.  He carries one around with him and I have the other one on the nightstand next to my temporary bed so he can go outside or be around the house and I don’t have to yell. 

The kids are doing good.  I miss Max and Samantha so much.  Kathy sent us pictures everyday of them playing at her house.  It was nice to see their smiles.  Brooklyn is home with us now and Max and Samantha are with my parents.  I hope to see them today. 

Today we had couch church. 

Thank you for your prayers.  God was with us through all of this.  I’m so grateful that the surgery went well.  He gave me the right surgeons, anesthesiologist, nurses and techs. 

Kathy, Max and Samantha:

Max and Samantha in Kathy’s kitchen:

Yesterday went better than expected and her pain is managed appropriately.  She’s got the gleem back in her eyes again and she’s already been walking down the halls.  In fact, we got the orders that she’ll be discharged to my care later today.  Apparently, our insurance company only cover two nights at the hospital for all she’s been through.   So, I’ll be bringing my sweetie home later today and will do my best to get her well again.  She’s a pretty patient, so I welcome the challenge.

Emotionally, we’re still numb.  Personally, I think this is the prayers and positive thoughts people are sending our way.  Numb is better than sad…we’ll take numb.  It seems weird (I’m sure psychologists would have a hay day with this),     but please pray for numb–it’s getting us through this. 

Love you all,  Dusty & Lindy

During the six hour surgery, she had both breasts removed, lymph nodes removed, a hysterectomy, and her bladder tied up. The great news is that her ovaries were clear so she was able to keep them.

Thank you all for your prayers and well-wishes. We are so in awe of each of you.

My surgery is tomorrow.  The day is almost here.  This is very surreal.  I feel numb again.  I don’t want to do this.  I know I have to, but I don’t want to.  The hospital just called to say that my surgery has been bumped back an hour so it starts at 2:30 and won’t take as long as originally planned.  Probably about four hours. 

Dusty will be updating the blog throughout the day tomorrow and for the next couple of days.  Please pray for the nurses, surgeons, techs and anyone else who will be in my path during my surgery and hospital stay.  Pray that the cancer is 100% removed and for a successful surgery.   Pray for Dusty as he stands by my side and holds my hand through this.  Pray for Max and Samantha while they stay at Kathy’s house.  Pray for Brooklyn while she stays with her Aunt Jana.  Pray for peace for my entire family and friends. 

Dusty and I can’t thank you enough for your prayers.  Thank you for all the cards and emails I’ve received.  I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to respond to all of you, but please know I got them and I thank you for them. 

I’d be happy to take suggestions for paint color.  Keep in mind I have a green mudroom and a red kitchen.  The living room and dining room flow off of those.  Seriously.  If you have any ideas I would love to hear them.  This could be fun.  It will give me something else to think about the next few days. 

As the surgery comes closer, I try to think of all the things we may run out of while Dusty is trying to stay afloat in the house.  Do we have enough toothpaste, toilet paper, diapers, wipes, dishwasher detergent, laundry soap, etc?  The plan has been laid out for who is going to take care of the kids, logistics and all those other mundane day-to-day things.  My freezer is full of food.  My pantry is stocked for lunches and we have enough toilet paper to last through 2010.  I still have to fill him in on what Brooke does at school and which days she does what.  I have some time for that.  Can you tell I’m a bit of a control freak?  You’d think I learned my lesson by now - that I’m not the one in control! 

I’ve seen so many friends lately who I haven’t seen in ages.  I’ve made new friends through this too.  It’s apparent that God has specifically chosen people to be in my life.  He’s chosen someone to bring me flowers and write me cards when I’m sick.  Someone else to send me childhood pictures that make me laugh til tears run down my cheeks.  Caring and motherly arms to help take care of Brooklyn, Max and Samantha.  Others who make delicious food that give me and my family a healthy meal.  People to send emails and cards that remind me of the hope I have.  He’s chosen the coolest guy to mow our lawn last summer.  He assembled an entire army of prayer warriors who have held our family up.  Most of all He’s given me a husband who has patiently and lovingly stood my my side through all of this.  He sat with me during doctor’s visits, chemo treatments, got up in the middle of the night to get my meds, weighed out surgery options, took care of me when I was so sick and I couldn’t take care of myself.  God also gave me my parents who I am eternally grateful for.  They are the epitome of who good parents are.  They are the most kind, generous, selfless people I know. They’re always happy to help.  How many people do you know happily and cheerfully help others?  Being adopted I realize I could have been placed in any home.  The home God choose for me was perfect.  It reminds me that even now His plan is perfect and I need to trust in Him.    

I thank God for each of you.  I love you all.

I’ve had a great time over the past few weeks.  Max and Samantha turned one.  Brooklyn turned six.  My dad turned another year older (I don’t think he’d appreciate me writing his age).  Jill had a birthday (same goes for Jill).  Happy Birthday everyone!

The birthdays are done.  The parties are over.  It was nice to have them as a distraction.  The next part of my cancer journey is about to begin.  Surgery is becoming very real to me.  For a while it was so far away that I didn’t think about it all the time.  Now I have 12 days left.  I felt numb for a while, but now I think about it alot.  I went for preadmission testing at Holland Hospital yesterday and I think that made it sink in a little more.  I’m nervous about the surgery.  I’m sad about losing body parts.  I’m angry that I won’t be able to hold Max and Samantha for many days. 

After surgery I have radiation for 6-8 weeks and then reconstructive surgery.  I’m almost half way there. 

Thank you for your prayers and supporting my family through this. 

Please pray that the next 12 days go quickly for me.  That the surgery goes well.  That the kids stay healthy.  That Dusty is able to deal with the family, work and other obligations.  

For your viewing pleasure:

Samantha, Brooklyn and Max with their shared birthday cake

Happy Birthday Max!

Happy Birthday Brooklyn!

Samantha loves cake!

Max isn’t sure he likes cake.

Max doesn’t like cake

Life is getting better.  Much better than what it was this past summer.  The side effects from the chemo that seem to linger are numbness and tingling in my feet and fatigue.  The fatigue is the most bothersome, but I’m still having a lot of fun.  Last Friday we went to Cranes in Fennville, Saturday was the Race for a Cure and Sunday I went to church (no more couch church!). 

Thank you to everyone for your continued cards, encouragement, generosity, love and support.  Not just for me and my family, but our parents and friends.  We love you all. 

Race for a Cure was awesome.  Thank you to everyone who participated either by running, walking or giving money to support a team member.   This meant more to Dusty and I than you’ll ever know. 

• Thank you Clair for pulling this together. 
• Thank you Livvy for designing such a cool Laps for Lindy logo. 
• Thank you Jen for having the T-shirts printed. 
• Thanks Nederveld and you-know-who for buying the t-shirts. 
• A special thank you to everyone for coming and showing support. 

Personally, I think Laps for Lindy was the best looking team there (see photos below).  You all looked great.  A little tired at the end, but great!  I had a blast!

Here are some pictures for your enjoyment.  We’re running this one next year!

Now that I’ve been out and about more I realize most people don’t recognize me with my wig on.  It’s really funny.  I’ve seen some of you and you don’t know it’s me.  I’ll say hi and I get the nice smile and hello, but no recognition.  Others just look right through me.  It’s hilarious.  So if you were at Zeeland Christian, Meijers or church lately and a stranger said hello to you, it was probably me.  :) 

I had an MRI at Spectrum last night to see how big the tumor is.  Getting an MRI is intense.  The machine is so loud it’s crazy.  It went well though.  I don’t have results yet.  Hopefully I’ll have them Friday. 

Today I met with Dr. Hoberman.  I really like her and now Dusty was able to meet her too.  I’m having a double mastectomy with a modified radical mastectomy on the right side.  This means they’re also taking my axillary (under arm) lymph nodes.  At the end of the visit, she even prayed for us.  She’s a wonderful surgeon.

Oh and guess what…my surgery was moved again!  This time it was because Holland Hospital didn’t have an OR available for the block of time they need.  My surgery is now on November 5.  I have 43 days left. 

School is going well for Brooklyn.  Max and Samantha are doing well.  I can’t believe they’ll be a year next month!  Time flies. 

I’ll see some of you Saturday at the Race For A Cure.  I can’t wait.

Since there was a conflict in schedules with one of the surgeons, my surgery date was moved from October 23 to October 30.  This will be nice for Brooklyn, Max and Samantha’s birthdays.  Not so nice for Halloween.  Do you think I can trick or treat in the hospital?  I won’t even have to dress up! 
I checked the goal for Laps for Lindy last night and we are over it!  That is so awesome.  I am blown away at how many people are participating.  It’s nice to know so many people care.  Not only about me and my family, but about finding a cure.  Thank you for signing up and your support.  I can’t wait to see the team next week Saturday.  I will be there cheering you on. 

This morning I’m going to watch Brooklyn’s soccer game and then hang out with the kids for the day.  I can’t wait. 

Have a great weekend! 

They ran an EEG, EKG, did a chest x-ray and lab work.  They found my heart is taking an extra beat and that I’m low on potassium and magnesium.  They gave me supplements and sent me on my merry way. 

So half the day was spent with the awesome people at Holland Hospital’s Emergency Department.  Jill happens to work in the E.R. so when she heard I was there, she drove over and hooked me up with all the greatest amenities (the cleanest bathrooms, disinfected x-ray room, etc - you know, the important things). 

I tell ya, just when you think you’re in the home stretch and it’s nothing but smooth sailing from now til surgery, something like today happens and throws ya for a loop.  I AM READY TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE!  I was looking forward to bringing Brooke to school and spending the day with Kathy and the babies. 

Speaking of surgery, I was supposed to have an appointment with Dr. Hoberman (surgeon) today, but had to reschedule due to the E.R. visit.  It sounds like my surgeries are scheduled for October 23.  That also happens to be Brooklyn’s 6th birthday.  Don’t tell Brooke that my surgery will be on her birthday.  We’ll figure something out for that.  I was hoping to have the surgeries sooner, but they need to wait at least six weeks after my last chemo to perform the surgery.  It gives my body time to recover I suppose.

Thank you Kathy for taking care of Max, Samantha and Brooke today during all the drama.  Thanks mom for taking me to the E.R., bringing Brooke to and from school and being there.  Thank you Jill for coming to the hospital even though you knew I’d tell you not to.   

This is so exhausting.  I’m sick of cancer living my life. 

However, I know I’ll feel better soon and will rejoin society.  Go to Brooke’s soccer practice and games.  Seeing our small group Monday night.   Normal stuff.

And my heart is still beating irregularly…

Here are pictures of me receiving my first chemo in June and my last chemo today.  Please excuse how I look.  I look terrible!

This is Kendra.  She’s my nurse that has been with me since the beginning.  She always gave me my chemo and usually my fluids (when I needed them), my Neulasta shots, answered all my silly questions and held my hand through this. 

Wow…what a summer it has been.  I was diagnosed Memorial Day weekend and finished just after Labor Day weekend.  My summer was literally doing and dealing with chemo.  Even though chemo was torture, I had some pretty good highlights too.  This summer I got to see Max and Samantha start crawling, say “dada”, start standing, start cruising and feeding themselves.  I got to see Brooklyn swim all by herself and take ballet class and develop into a sweet and caring little girl.  She is such a good big sister to them.

The other thing I learned this summer is that I have really great family and friends.  I mean, I always knew all of you were terrific, but you’ve gone above and beyond what I could ever imagine.    

Part of today’s appointment was meeting with Dr. VanderWoude.  I was relieved to hear she disagrees with needing to take my ovaries.  She explained that because my BRCA tests (genetic testing) came back negative that I am not at increased risk for ovarian cancer.  I have the same odds as everyone else.  So I’ve decided not to let them take them.  I am so glad about that. 

Thank you for the flowers that you sent me today (you know who you are), the cookies, cards and emails.  I could not have made it without your support.  All of your prayers have kept me moving forward.  At my deepest darkest moments (and believe me, I had many) it helped to know that I had people pulling and praying for me.   Each of you are a part of our lives for a reason and we feel blessed to have you.  God has been good to me.

The next step is to make it through the last effects of chemo which takes about two weeks with the worst of it being this weekend.  Then an MRI to see how much the tumor shrunk.  I meet with Dr. Hoberman next week about the mastectomy and hysterectomy which will happen in October.   We don’t have a date set for that yet. 

I’ve made it this far and I believe through the worst of it.  I know surgery will be tough and radiation isn’t fun, but chemo was really hard and I’m so glad it’s done. 

This last round of chemo was a tough one.  Starting last Friday I started feeling like I was beat up or in a bad car accident.  Everything hurts; even my teeth.  Today is a little better.  Other than that I’m fine. 

Dusty and I met with Dr. Gootjes this week.  She has been talking to Dr. Hoberman and Dr. VanderWoude about the genetic testing.  I was under the impression that since my genetic testing came back negative that we wouldn’t have to remove my ovaries.  They’re considering removing them because of my survival rate and the triple negative status of my cancer.  They ordered a CA125 blood test to check for abnormalities in my ovaries.  If it comes back that there are abnormalties then we’re removing the ovaries at the same time as my mastectomy.  Either way, I’m having a hysterectomy and a mastectomy at the same time.  I feel like I’m going to be gutted like a fish! 

This is very overwhelming.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t wrap my mind around what’s happening.  I feel like I’m living someone else’s sucky life.   Within the next month or two I’m going to finish chemo, start growing my hair back (yeah!), have a mastectomy, hysterectomy (with possible ovary removal) and begin radiation.  The recovery for the surgeries is 3-6 weeks with no lifting for 6 weeks.  I have two babies.  This is very hard for me to accept.  I can’t lift my kids for six weeks!  My mom, Jill and Kathy tell me not to worry about that because they are giving excellent care to my kids.  I agree that they are - the kids are so happy, but as a mom it’s a really difficult thought. 

I know this sounds crazy, but I can’t wait for my last round of chemo.  I just want the chemo part over with.  Jill says she’s going to bake a “last chemo” cake and we’re going to have a party in the chemo room.  Sounds fun doesn’t it? 

Brooklyn started Kindergarten this week.  It was so strange packing her a lunch and having her gone all day!  She had a great time and seems to be enjoying it.   

Max has finally given up his army crawl and is crawling “normal”.  Samantha is still cruising and crawling.  They’re doing great.  They like to go on walks and sometimes they fall asleep. 

Dusty and I met with Dr. Dodde today.  I liked him.  He’s going to be my reconstructive surgeon.  He went over three options for me.  One of which isn’t a good option (just implants).  The two options he wants me to consider are a TRAM flap or a Latissimus Dorsi flap.  I’m spare you the full details of each, but the gist for the TRAM flap is that they take your stomach muscles, tissue and skin and move them up (no implants).  The Latissimus Dorsi flap takes muscles, tissue and skin from under your arm and part of your back, bring it around front and reconstruct from there.  This would involve implants.  Either procedure takes about 5-6 hours and weeks of recovery.  I have a lot to consider.  I’m thankful I have a lot of time to weigh my options. 

It seems like I have so much going on.  Everything is changing.  It’s a lot to digest.  Please pray for guidance. 

I was so excited to see some people joined the Laps for Lindy team.  How fun!  Thank you for participating either physically and/or finacially.  That’s great!  We hope to be there cheering everyone on!

I also got the results of my genetic testing and it’s negative!  This means that I do not have a mutation of the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene.  Therefore I do not need to have my ovaries removed and it also means that Brooklyn, Max and Samantha are not at increased risk for cancer.  We are so relieved; especially for the sake of our kids. 

Never would I have thought I’d be bald and have cancer on my 11 year anniversary.  Then again, I also never thought I’d have twins.  It just goes to show that life doesn’t always turn out the way we think it will.

As far as my cancer is concerned I’m still fighting it.  I have chemo again on Wednesday so I’m trying to enjoy today and the next few days as best as I can.  Every day is different.  Some days are okay.  Some days are really hard. 

My only goal of the day is to feel good enough to go out and celebrate our anniversary tonight.  I feel pretty good so it shouldn’t be a problem.  Nothing fabulous.  Just dinner. 

Brooklyn left today to enjoy the week camping with Bea’s and Papa.  We hope to visit them quite a bit too.  At least before chemo on Wednesday.  It will be nice to get a change of scenery.  I feel like I never leave my house! 

Samantha is pulling herself to standing by furniture all the time and I was able to witness her cruise from the exersaucer to a chair!  She took four steps.  Go Samantha!  Max still loves exploring by army crawling around.  He’s a silly little guy. 

I meet with Dr. Dodde this week.  He’s my reconstructive plastic surgeon.  I’m interested to hear what his opinion is on the type of reconstruction I should have.  I also hope to get the results of my genetic testing soon.

On a side note, check out the link Laps for Lindy.  My brother, Clair Vander Zwaag, started a Laps for Lindy team for the Susan G. Komen 5K Race For a Cure at the end of September.  If you would like to join the Laps for Lindy team, make a donation or come out to cheer everyone on feel free! 

Thank you for your prayers.  They are being felt every day. 

Thank you for the meals.  They are DELICIOUS! 

Thank you for the help with our kids.  They are loved. 

Thank you for the cards.  They are read often. 

One of the things I love to tell people is how awesome all of you are.  Random people (nurses, neighbors, family, friends, the questionnaire I fill out at the doctor’s office, etc) ask if we need help or a meal and I am so quick to let them know how wonderful our friends, family and community is.  You’ve all gone above and beyond what I think is even possible.  You have our sincerest THANK YOU. 

Today the achiness and pain is really starting to set in.  The good news is that I didn’t have to get a Neulasta shot after chemo because my white blood cell count was at a good level.  Neulasta can add to the bone, muscle and joint pain.  So I hope that by not having the shot I won’t be so uncomfortable this time around. 

I see an end in sight.  Thank you for your prayers, help, concern, thoughts, emails, etc.  They mean so much to me. 

Have a great weekend! 

Our lives are organized chaos right now.  Dusty is doing well.  He’s enjoying his new role at Herman Miller.  Brooklyn is having fun wrapping up summer (now that summer weather just got here).  She had a good time seeing the play Charlotte’s Web at Hope College yesterday.  Max and Samantha are great.  Samantha is not only crawling, but can occasionally pull herself to standing!  Max still does his army crawl to get around.  It’s a very interesting maneuver.    

Last Wednesday I met with the genetic testing nurse and Dr. Vander Woude.   I’ve decided to go ahead with the genetic testing.  Dr. VanderWoude is happy with the progress I’m making which is very encouraging.   

Thank you for your prayers, meals, cards, emails, cookies (my hips do not thank you), support for our parents and love. 

Just when I thought I was getting better, I woke up today feeling like a bus hit me again.  It’s very discouraging.  Everything hurts - muscles, joints, bones.  My knees and elbows feel like I’m being stabbed with a knife.  I’m extremely tired. 

Some days, when I allow myself to think too much, I get very overwhelmed.  The road ahead is still so long.  I wish all I had to do was complete chemo and be back to normal by the end of the summer.  Instead I have to complete chemo, have a major surgery, go through 6-8 weeks of radiation and then another major reconstructive surgery.   This won’t be over until winter.  It seems so far away. 

When I think about what we’ve been through over the past year and now the cancer, I just don’t understand why this happened to us.  I didn’t plan for Brooklyn to spend her 5th year of life with a mom who is sick and can’t do the things we would like to do together.  I didn’t plan on watching other excellent care givers help raise Max and Samantha during their first year of life.  The toll this is taking on my family is staggering.  What I know for sure is that God will see us through this.  This definitely was not what we planned, but His plan is perfect.  We have to trust in that. 

I was able to tune into the webcast of Sunday morning’s church service.  The message was awesome.  So much of it spoke directly to me.  Included in some great verses, my Jeremiah verse was shared again too.  Awesome. 

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:11-13

We were done at the Cancer Hematology Center at 1:45 which was perfect because my surgeon appointment was at 2:00.  I learned something new on Wednesday.  Dr. Hoberman’s first name is Liberty.  I thought her maiden name was Liberty and she hyphenated it with Hoberman.  Anyway….I’m very glad I switched surgeons.  I really like Dr. Hoberman.  She was very informative about what to expect with the mastectomy and about my reconstructive options.  She discovered another spot that may need to be biopsied, but she’ll consult with Dr. VanderWoude first.  She also referred me to Dr. Dodde who could do the reconstructive surgery.  Thank you Jill for spending the day with me and being my personal chauffeur.   

So far I’ve had no nausea from the Taxol!  What a relief.   Yesterday afternoon I noticed my finger tips and feet start to tingle and hurt.  It’s nerve pain.  This morning I woke up and feel very achy from head to toe.  My finger tips and feet still hurt.  This is what they warned me about.   I have to tell ya, I’d rather have this than nausea any day of the week.  I may not say that tomorrow, but for today I’ll take it. 

Last night was rough.  I get so sick of cancer.  I get so angry that I have it.  I hate it.  It’s so hard.  I’m sick of not feeling well.  It seems so unfair.  This is Max and Samantha’s first year of life and as every parent knows, so much happens the first year.  Samantha just started crawling.  Max does a funky army crawl.  Brooklyn starts Kindergarten in a month.  I want to take her to pick out a back pack and lunch box, but I just don’t feel good.  These are things you want to do with your kids.  I never imagined her starting Kindergarten and me having cancer.  It’s hard to truly enjoy my kids when I feel so sick and tired all the time.  So I had a pity party for myself last night. 

The sun is shining this morning and it’s going to be a beautiful day.  Brooklyn is going to see Click Clack Moo this morning at Hope College.  I’ll sit outside and get some fresh air and hopefully a new outlook on my life.   

Next week I meet with Dr. Iakiri, the genetic testing doctor at the Cancer Hematology Center.   

Thank you for your prayers.  I’m so thankful that I don’t have nausea.  I’m thankful that I’m going through chemo in the summer so I can go outside and get fresh air.  I’m thankful for everyone who is helping us with Brooklyn, Max and Samantha.  Have a great day!

Some bad news I found out at the doctor’s visit is that I gained five more pounds!  This is not good.  I would like to say it’s because of the steroids.  It’s not.  It’s due to the fabulous cooks who are bringing us food (particularly dessert).  I have a huge sweet tooth and no willpower.  Please do not take my weight gain drama as ungratitude for the food.  We’re very thankful for it.  I just need to show some restraint.  :) 

It feels good to be half way through chemo.  I’m not at the half way point on the cancer road yet, but a very tough part is done.  I’m thankful for that. 

As far as tests are concerned, I still have the genetic testing to do.  This will see if I test positive or negative for a particular gene that makes me more susceptible to breast and ovarian cancer.  I don’t need another MUGA scan for my heart because I tested HER2 negative. 

Tomorrow is chemo and meet my new surgeon day.  It takes about four hours to get the new chemo.  Jill is my chemo buddy (that’s what she calls herself).  She’s going to take me to chemo where we’ll hang out, play some cards, eat lunch, I’ll get some chemo, she’ll get some relaxation and then we’ll go home. 

I also meet with my new surgeon tomorrow - Dr. Liberty-Hoberman.  I look forward to meeting and talking with her about the surgery.

Brooklyn, Max and Samantha had a great time last night at the church picnic.  Brooke came home with some really cool tattoos.  Since when do kids get tattoos at a CRC church picnic?  That would never have happened when I was a kid.  My how times have changed…..now I sound old. 

This is the first time I went anywhere in a week besides the Cancer Hematology Center.  Which, by the way, is becoming my home away from home.   Although it has a very distinct smell that hits me the moment I walk in the door.  It’s not a good smell.  It smells clinical and like a hospital, only worse.  

Random people are so nice.  On Monday, I was at the Center alone in the waiting room assuming my usual position - bent over in the chair with my face in my hands because I feel terrible.  An older gentleman came in and sat down.  After a minute I looked up at him and smiled.  He said “beautiful day isn’t it?”  All I could say was ”it is.” and went back to my position.   The nurse called his name and as he walked past me he touched my shoulder and said “I just said a prayer for you.”  How nice is that! 

Comic Relief Moment 

Chemo brain still affects me.  Here are the top moments of chemo brain:

1.  I throw garbage down the laundry chute and laundry in the garbage.

2.  I call Samantha Brooklyn and Brooklyn Samantha.

3.  I told Dusty our dryer was broken and we needed a new one because it wasn’t drying the clothes.  In reality, I forgot to turn it on.  Twice.

4.  I don’t know what day it is.  I’m serious.  What day is it?

5.  I can’t remember if I took a pill.  I have to write it down when I take it, otherwise I won’t dare take another one for fear of an overdose.   I’ve got enough problems.  An overdose is not something I need right now.   

6.  I forget conversations I’ve had with Dusty.  I know this could be to my advantage, but I find it annoying. 

7.  I can’t drive for a week after chemo.  I can’t process four way stops. 

8.  I can’t read books for a week after chemo.  The words jumble together and I forget what I read so I have to start over. 

9.  I forget to call people back.  I’m sorry if you’ve called me and I haven’t returned your call.

10.  I can’t watch a movie or TV right after chemo.  The pictures move so fast that I can’t comprehend what’s happening.  Crazy. 

On A Serious Note:

I was thinking yesterday about the incredible support we’ve received from people.  I’ve learned how to help people in so many new ways.  Some of you send me cards once a week!  I’ve always sent one card.  I had no idea that a simple card could be so nice.  From now on, I’m going to try sending more than one card.  Taking care of kids.  Bringing a meal or cookies or fruit or flowers.  Sending gift cards.  Mowing a lawn.  Staining a swingset.  Setting up a meal schedule.  Setting up a childcare schedule.  Praying for us.  Playdates for Brooke.  Offering help to my parents and friends. 

THANK YOU for showing us how to truly be the hands and feet of Christ.  I really mean it.  I can’t wait to be on the other side and offer help to any of you who ever need it.  I pray for you every day.  That you’ll be blessed by being a blessing to us.  Thank you!

Now….on to Taxol.  We’re doing a dose dense round of Taxol.  This means every two weeks, just like A/C.  I keep making the nurses, techs and cancer survivors promise me that Taxol isn’t as bad as A/C.  I’m clinging to hope that I won’t have to deal with nausea anymore.  I just can’t do it again.  They tell me it’s not a cake walk, but I won’t have to deal with nausea.  They say I’ll have pain in my muscles and bones.  Tingling and numbness in my hands and feet.  I don’t look forward to that.  Somtimes people can’t tolerate the dose dense version because tingling and numbness in the hands and feet become progressively worse and never go away.  Let’s hope that doesn’t happen to me.  Maybe God will work a miracle and grant me four pain and problem free chemo treatments.  He can ya know. 

I’ve decided to switch surgeons to Dr. Liberty-Hoberman for the mastectomy.  Thanks to everyone for your referrals.  No offense to Dr. Housekamp, I just prefer a lady doctor.  Dr. Housekamp is a wonderful person and I feel bad for switching, but I gotta do what I gotta do.   

Oh and my Jeremiah verse still pops up time to time in various greeting cards and emails.  I love it. 

• My tumor continues to shrink. 
• This is my last round of Adriamycin and Cytoxan (A/C).
• Dr. VanderWoude is encouraged by how well my body is reacting to the chemo.
• My port was accessed on the first try. 

My next round of chemo, Taxol, will begin in two weeks.  Dr. VanderWoude assured me that it won’t be so bad.  Just different symptoms.  Lots of muscle and bone aches and the fatigue will still be present.  They will give me steroids to help with that.  The nausea shouldn’t be a problem (yeah!). 

Once Taxol is complete, they need to wait for my blood counts to elevate which takes a couple weeks and then I’ll have surgery.  So we’re looking at early October for the mastectomy to occur.  We still don’t know if it will be a double mastectomy or a single one.  We are waiting for insurance to approve the genetic gene blood test.  If I test positive for it, I’ll probably get a double mastectomy.  The fact that surgery will happen in October is a bummer for me because Max and Samantha’s birthday are on October 15 and Brooklyn’s is October 23.  If you know me, I like to plan parties.  It will be hard to do that and participate fully if I’m recovering from surgery.  Hopefully we’ll figure something out. 

I have been receiving cards from you every day.  It blows me away that after all these months I still receive cards in the mail.  It’s awesome.  I had one day where I didn’t get a card and I thought “okay they’re bound to stop at some point.  No biggie”.  The following day I got another card and they’ve been coming ever since.  So thank you for the cards.  I have quite a collection going.  I even reread them when I need some encouragement or laughs.

Dusty and I took a picture of us together with our bald heads.  We laughed so hard we cried.  It’s quite the picture.  Someday, if I’m brave enough, I will post it for all you to get a laugh at as well. 

Today I go in for my Neulasta shot (this raises my white blood cells to fight off infection) and fluids.  Tomorrow is more fluids and anti nausea.  Monday is more fluids and anti nausea. 

Thank you for your prayers. 

People ask me how long it takes before I feel better and what chemo is like.  I’ll go in today for about three hours while they give me A/C (Adriamycin and Cytoxin), anti-nausea and now potassium (my levels are low on that).  Tonight it will feel like the beginning of the flu.  I won’t feel good.  I feel like it’s getting worse.  Tomorrow is bad.  Friday is awful.  Saturday is horrible.  Sunday is unbearable and also when I reach my peak.  Monday is horrible.  Tuesday is awful.  Wednesday is bad/okay.  It’s kind of like climbing a mountain.  Then I usually have a week of okay days.  The nausea is usually tolerable.  It’s just pain and aches everywhere - even in my bones.  That’s what going through A/C is like for me. 

I hope to find out today that my tumor has shrunk even more, when I can start the last four rounds and when surgery will happen.  I’ll let you know what I find out. 

Thank you for your communication and prayers.  God has been doing great and awesome things for our family.  He provides in every way. 

I don’t have anything new to update you with.  Just going through the ins and outs of cancer and chemo.  Wishing I had a fast forward button so this could all be behind us. 

I have realized lately how this is affecting Brooklyn.  This is hard for adults to deal with so it’s gotta be tough for a 5-year-old.  She was crying the other day that she wants her mama back.  Having people in the house to help with Brooke, Max and Samantha is such a blessing, but it’s really different for her.  She said she wants me to take her to Captain Sundae, swimming, the park, make her lunch, and not other people.  Basic stuff.  I explained that I will someday soon and that right now I’m fighting cancer.  She asked if cancer was fighting me back and I said yes, cancer and I are in a fight right now, but I’m going to win.   Because I will.  I’m going to win. 

I caught her giggling at my bald head the other day.  I’m glad I can still make her laugh.  :) 

Last night was not fun.  I hardly slept which means that Dusty hardly slept.  Poor guy.  He’s a great husband though and went with me today to get fluids and help sort things out at the Cancer and Hematology Center.

Samantha is feeling much better and is more like herself.  She even started waving!  Too cute.  Neither Max or Samantha are crawling yet, but they will be soon.  Brooke enjoyed the day at the pool with some friends. 

I’m so thankful for all the help - Dusty, my parents, Alisha, our friends and family.  Honestly, I don’t know what we would do without them.  The thought scares me.   

I am missing the fourth this year because I’m in the middle of a miserable weekend.  Full of nausea, discomfort, sleep, disconnectedness, etc.  I look forward to the Fourth next year though and celebrating it with our family.

Dusty and Brooklyn had a camp out in the yard last night.  It’s Brooklyn’s favorite thing to do in the summer with her dad.  They pitched the tent, put the babies to bed, made smores and went to the fireworks at Kollen’s Park.  I was in bed at 8 pm so I missed all of it, but they said they had a great time. 

Samantha is still sick so I’m quite worried about her.  She’s been throwing up and not herself.  We think it’s a side effect of the medicine she was on for her ear infection.  I hope it’s nothing serious.  We’re keeping an eye on it.   Please pray that she perk up and get better. 

The nausea is still quite intense for me and my back hurts from the shot.  I’m starting to understand and accept the cycle of chemo.  I’m learning to accept the horrible weeks full of aches, pains, nausea, discomfort and to enjoy the good week that follows.  Besides, only one more horrible round of A/C.  Then I start Taxol (sp?) which I hope is much better. 

Thank you for your prayers.  God is good and will see me through this. 

________________________________________________________

I saw Dr. Edlund today.  He’s the radiation oncologist.  I like him.  He was good.  I’m going to have six weeks of radiation everyday (M-F) after surgery. 

Did you know I get tattooed for this?  I had no idea.  They’re just tiny little dots that look like freckles, but I did not know that!  The dots are to help them align lasers on the machine.  I took pride in not having a tattoo.  Now I think I should get a tattoo.  One that I choose.  One that I want.  This goes back to the control thing….. can you tell?

Since radiation is happening after surgery, I won’t have it for a few more months.  It’s good to know what the plan is. 

Chemo went well today.  They got my port on the first try.  They had difficulty because they couldn’t get blood flow so they had to “draino” the port.  The draino made it work right away so they could proceed with the meds. 

Now it’s the calm before the storm.  I’m waiting for the nausea to hit.  I feel okay at the moment.  I’m taking it five minutes at a time tonight.  Right now I’m good.  Five minutes from now, who knows.

One more round to go!

I saw Dr. VanderWoude (oncologist) this morning.  I’m happy and thankful to say the tumor is shrinking!  She was pleased with how much smaller it is today than the last two visits.  It makes suffering through chemo worth it.  I was hoping this meant I would only have one more round of A/C.  No luck.  She reminded me that the four rounds following A/C aren’t as bad.  She said in a month I will feel better than what I do now.  I can’t wait to rejoin society. 

Speaking of chemo, I have another round tomorrow.  I hate what it does to me.  We have to laugh because in addition to making me sick, it makes me very confused.  I can’t remember conversations.  I can’t process the simplest things.  I feel so disconnected and foggy.  It’s very strange.

DISCLAIMER:  If I have a conversation with you between tomorrow and next Wednesday I may not remember what we talked about.  Please accept my apologies in advance. 

Lately Brooklyn has been testing words to see if they’re “naughty words”.  Her latest words are hate and dumb.  I can tell if she’s about to test a word by how she approaches me.  Yesterday she came up to me, cocked her head to the side, scrunched her nose and said “mom?” (uh-oh naughty word is coming).  “I hate cancer.  It’s dumb.”  I laughed.  I hate it too.  Then I explained how hate is a strong word and dumb isn’t nice…blah…blah…blah

I meet with the radiation oncologist tomorrow, Dr. Edlund.  I think he’s going to tell me if I need radiation before surgery, after surgery or both.  I’ll let you know.

So my tumor is shrinking.  Chemo is working.  A week of misery is coming.  My strength and endurance come only from God.  There is no other explanation for how I’m getting through this. 

He is using you to help me too.  Thank you for your prayers and communication.  Please keep them coming because they keep me going